THE FINE ART OF SMALL TALK
How to Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking
Skills— and Leave a Positive Impression!
DEBRA FINE
To Jared Fine Holst and Sarah Fine Holst, my
inspiration and motivation. And the gentle wind
beneath my wings, Steve Tilliss.
PREFACE
When I rst got into the business of helping people cultivate
conversation skills, I ran into a lot of skepticism. Invariably,
executives would sco at the idea of a housewife’s trivial
initiative to overcome boredom. Then I would get clandestine
calls for assistance from folks with prestigious titles. People
would construct elaborate covert operations to seek advice
without actually asking for it, because they were embarrassed. I
can appreciate that. In a previous life as a nerdy engineer, I was
burdened with poor social skills and embarrassed by my own
conversational ineptitude. Before I gave myself a remedial
education in the Fine Art of Small Talk, I had been a poor
communicator and a timid person for as long as I could recall.
As a girl I had been an overweight, reticent kid who sat
invisible in the back of the class, often excluded because of my
size. One of my most vivid memories of childhood is that of a
birthday party for my third-grade classmate Rita. Every girl in
my class was invited except for one other very overweight girl
and me. That experience was so hurtful that I withdrew into a
world of books. I had no idea how to make a friend or have a
friend. Consequently, I never learned how to talk to my peers.
Naturally, when I got older, I selected a career without a high
demand for conversation. I became an engineer—a perfect
choice, since engineering tends to be highly technical and
requires little chatting. I routinely made technical
presentations or answered complex engineering questions
without any trouble. All that was required was competence in
my eld. However, when I was sent to conferences or industry
meetings, I was expected to mingle with colleagues. Network.
Meet clients. I was lled with panic. I only knew one way to
start a conversation. Without fail, I would ask every person I
met, What do you do? After we exchanged career notes, the
conversation invariably sputtered to an agonizing halt. I didn’t
know how to keep it going. I skipped every social function I
could. The ones I couldn’t, I’d arrive late, leave early, and, in
between, pray that some other person with better skills and a
kind heart would rescue me by initiating a conversation.
I struggled with the art of conversation throughout my
tenure as an engineer. Then I took a break from my career to
have my two children. In that interlude, I decided that I was
weary of being overweight and self-conscious. I lost sixty-ve
pounds. My self-image improved. I wanted to have friends and
to have fun. To do so, I knew that I would have to acquire better
social skills. I took note of those who were successful at
cultivating friendships and mingling in a crowd. I watched
their techniques and timidly began to imitate them.
My motivation went into overdrive after my husband and I
divorced. I realized that I’d have to start socializing if I wanted
to meet anyone. Here I was approaching forty years of age,
having been out of my eld for a number of years, and needing
to meet people. It was a daunting prospect, to say the least. But I
realized that acquiring conversation skills wasn’t rocket science.
I convinced myself it couldn’t be that tough or I wouldn’t see so
many people doing it so well. I made it my goal to gure out
how to keep a conversation going for longer than ve minutes.
One of my rst experiments with small talk was a life-
changing success. I went to happy hour at a local nightspot
with a girlfriend. A man across the room began making eye
contact with me. All night we kept exchanging glances, never
speaking. My girlfriend prodded me. “Debra,” she said, “just go
over there and say something to him.”
I replied, “Oh, I don’t know. I don’t have anything to say.
Besides, if he wanted to meet me, he’d have come over by now.”
But my girlfriend would not relent. She was so adamant that
her challenge nally inspired me to go over and introduce
myself to him. As I walked across the room, my heart pounded
so loudly, I could hardly hear myself say hello to the man I now
know as Rex. He pulled out a chair and said he was delighted to
meet me. From that inauspicious beginning we began to date
each other. A friendship developed, and I learned a lot about
Rex. The most important thing I came to learn, though, was
why Rex hadn’t approached me rst at the happy hour. I was
certain that his reluctance was an unspoken commentary on
some fault of mine. It had to be that I was too tall, that I still
weighed too much, or that I just wasn’t his type. I could not
have been more wrong. It wasn’t about me at all. It was about
him. He was too shy to approach me.
I couldn’t believe it. It really turned my thinking around. For
the rst time I understood that there were lots of talented,
educated, wonderful people in the world who are incredibly shy.
I realized that if my girlfriend hadn’t insisted, and if I hadn’t
found my courage, I never would have met a man who became
an integral part of my life. No, I didn’t marry him, but he did
become one of my closest friends.
That experience made me a convert to small talk. I nally
understood what a great tool it could be for building rapport
with people. I devoted myself to learning about it, practicing it,
and helping others become good at it. I started my business, The
Fine Art of Small Talk, and have been small talking my way
around the country ever since. I have met countless fascinating
people and made many friends. My life is now richly populated
with a diversity of individuals who bring added meaning and
depth to each of my days.
My goal in writing this book is to oer what I’ve learned so
that you, too, can reap the rewards that come from having a
repertoire of conversation skills. The techniques, tips, and skills
in this book are for everyone—not just nerds. I know
salespeople who are wonderful at making formal presentations
but who enter a networking event in a cold sweat. I’ve met
teachers who can chat with students and colleagues but have no
idea what to say to parents at school functions. Harried, yet
happy, stay-at-home moms are a bundle of entertainment at a
play group but walk away from a Junior League meeting or
church event feeling isolated and disconnected. I know one
physician who closed his practice and joined an HMO because,
despite his gift as a healer, he lacked the conversation skills and
condence to garner new referrals. The list goes on. Competent
people from all walks of life need assistance to develop
conversation skills.
This book will provide you those small talk skills. Enhancing
your conversational skills will no doubt improve your quality of
life. I think you’ll be surprised at the potency of small talk. It
has an amazing ripple eect. Becoming a good conversationalist
will bring new people into your network of friends and
colleagues. You will nd joy in the social events you used to
dread, and you will create pathways and channels for new
opportunities to present themselves. My dear friend Rex met an
early death a couple of years ago in a car accident in Mexico. It is
a reminder to me that the risk of engaging someone new in
conversation pales in comparison to the risk of driving a car.
Rex lived a lot in his forty-plus years. I am grateful that I
ventured across the room to become a part of that short life.
Take a moment. Spend some time lling out the following
“Winning at Small Talk” worksheet. If you answer yes to most,
you are certainly on the right track. If you nd yourself
responding no to more than a few, it’s time to get to work.
WINNING AT SMALL TALK
Please answer “yes” or “no” to the following questions:
1. I have joined or participated in at least one club or group
activity in order to develop new business friendships or to
meet new people this year.
___Yes___No
2. I’m conscious of “taking turns” in most conversations so
that I can learn more about others and help them get to know
me.
___Yes___No
3. In the past year, I have used my contacts to help at least two
people nd a new job, get a date, hook up with potential
customers and clients, or I have provided information for
other networking purposes.
___Yes___No
4. I go to at least two functions a month where I can meet
people in my profession/industry or who are potential
decision-makers.
___Yes___No
5. If someone is friendly toward me, it is easy to be friendly
back. However, I don’t wait to make sure someone is friendly
before I am friendly toward him or her.
___Yes___No
6. When someone asks me, “What’s new?” instead of saying
“Not much,” I often talk about something exciting in my life.
___Yes___No
7. At meetings, parties, job fairs, and such, I introduce myself
to people I don’t know and come away knowing the names of
at least three new people.
___Yes___No
Well, how did you do? Once you master Small Talk, you are
guaranteed to:
• Build business
• Make friends
• Improve networking skills
• Get dates
• Land jobs
All right—that’s enough small talking. Let’s get down to
business!
1
WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT SMALL TALK?
You pull into the parking lot, turn o the engine, and sit for a
minute dreading the next two hours. An important client has
invited you to an open house in celebration of their new
downtown oce. You hate these things. You don’t know what
to say, you don’t know anyone except the client, and you always
feel like you’re trying not to look lost; so you eat and drink more
than you should, just to stay occupied. You must attend—that’s
a given—but you sink deeper into the front seat and agonize
over how long you have to stay. Will dropping by for thirty
minutes do the trick, or will you insult one of your best clients
if you don’t stay for the whole event? You search for excuses to
get yourself out of there early. You could have someone page
you at a specied time with a supposed emergency; perhaps one
of the kids has a big game; or maybe you’ll just allow your
anxiety to carry you right into an illness.
Casual conversation happens at least a dozen times a day—
on the way into the oce, picking up your daughter from soccer
practice, riding the elevator with a colleague, elding a phone
call from your mother-in-law, attending an industry meeting,
taking a client to lunch, going to a job interview—the list is
endless! Yet for some of us, these demands for small talk don’t
ever make small talk any easier. If anything, such encounters
increase anxiety and cause some people to dread social events,
business lunches, and chance encounters with neighbors.
Unfortunately, in our preoccupation with our own discomfort,
our neighbors, acquaintances, and associates label us distant,
cold, and reserved.
Remember Thorton Wilder’s play Our Town? On the
morning of his son’s wedding, Frank Gibbs, the neighborly
physician, confesses to his wife that his chief concern in the
early days of their own marriage was how to make small talk
with his bride. “I was afraid,” he tells her, “we wouldn’t have
material for conversation more’n’d last us a few weeks.” It
seems acquiring small talk skills is not exclusively a modern-
day quest.
If your conversations evaporate almost as soon as they’ve
begun, or if you’re a reluctant participant at social and business
get-togethers, you’ve come to the right place. This book will
help you acquire the conversation skills you need to feel
condent and poised in any situation. If you practice the simple
techniques revealed here, you’ll put your conversational
demons behind you. You will learn how to:
• Engage any individual in a meaningful dialogue
• Resuscitate a dying conversation
• Transition into new topics
• Feel more at ease at networking events, parties, and
receptions
• Develop business friendships
• Step out of a conversation with grace
GETTING TO THE BIG STUFF
Small talk has a bad rap as the lowly stepchild of real
conversation, yet it serves an extremely important function.
Without it, you rarely get to the real conversation. Small talk is
the icebreaker that clears the way for more intimate
conversation, laying the foundation for a stronger relationship.
People who excel at small talk are experts at making others feel
included, valued, and comfortable. And that goes a long way
toward furthering a business relationship, closing a deal,
opening the door for romance, or making a friend.
The good news about conversation skills is that anyone can
learn them. Don’t be fooled into thinking that all those other
people you see who are smiling and happily mingling come by it
naturally. Sure, some are natural-born talkers, but most have
had to work at it. They’ve practiced, attended seminars, hired
personal coaches, and read books. You don’t think so? Trust me,
I know. I used to be a geeky, introverted engineer—no one has
worse skills than I once did. I became a pro by learning the skills
and then practicing them. It’s that simple.
The rst step is to let go of the idea that we are all somehow
supposed to know how to converse with strangers and
acquaintances. It’s simply not true. We are not taught how to do
it, nor is there some biological mechanism that instinctively
takes over when we nd ourselves in a conversational
quandary.
Mark McCormack, an attorney from Cleveland who founded
one of the rst sports management rms in the United States,
once said, “All things being equal, people will buy from a friend.
All things being not quite so equal, people will still buy from a
friend.” The bottom line: It’s to your benet to cultivate
friendships, not just collect business cards.
The art of conversation is poised to enjoy a revival. Twenty
years ago John Naisbitt, in his book Megatrends, spoke to a
future world focused on high tech yet longing for high touch.
This high-tech world would place us farther away from our
nuclear families, communicating with our colleagues and
friends via faxes, e-mails, and cell phones rather than face-to-
face. Driving in and out of our homes via the garage-door
opener without any interaction with our neighbors. Our new
way of living, working, and commuting would create a void of
connection with others.
Today we nd ourselves exactly as Naisbitt forecasted—
isolated in our niche, cubicle, or lifestyle. Membership in civic,
religious, and business associations and organizations has
declined because we have lost the ability to connect. Yet because
of the events of September 11, 2001, not only do we Americans
share a common experience of great magnitude, but now more
than ever we long to communicate with each other about
terrorism, war, and sometimes anything but terrorism and war.
When a pilot has to instruct his passengers departing Denver
International Airport on the weekend following September 11
to introduce themselves and learn about each other, then we
have truly lost the art of conversation. It has become our
custom to be so respectful of each other’s space—or instead, so
fearful of rejection—that we no longer know how to begin a
conversation with strangers, let alone keep one going. Yet
because of the longing for high touch, combined with the need
for reaching out because of our shared national tragedy, the art
of conversation will bloom.
We become better conversationalists when we employ two
primary objectives. Number one: Take the risk. It is up to us to
take the risk of starting a conversation with a stranger. We
cannot hope that others will approach us; instead, even if we
are shy, it is up to us to make the rst move. We all fear rejection
at some level. Just remind yourself that there are more dire
consequences in life than a rejection by someone at a
networking event, singles function, back-to-school night, or
association meeting. Number two: Assume the burden. It is up to
each and every one of us to assume the burden of conversation. It
is our responsibility to come up with topics to discuss; it is up to
us to remember people’s names and to introduce them to
others; it is up to us to relieve the awkward moments or ll the
pregnant pause. Most of us hope others will assume these tasks.
It is up to us to assume the burden of other people’s comfort. If
others are comfortable in our presence, then they will feel good
about doing business or socializing with us.
TALK IS CHEAP … BUT VERY
VALUABLE
Small talk is essential to creating and enriching business
relationships. Always begin and end your business conversation
with small talk to humanize the relationship. Investors choose
nancial planners as much for their ability to make them feel
secure and comfortable as they do for their nancial savvy.
How important is your physician’s bedside manner to you?
Hairstylists are the consummate conversationalists. They
understand that no woman will spend the better part of an
hour or more sitting in a chair at the mercy of someone with a
sharp instrument unless she feels comfortable!
In an indirect but very important way, small talk relates to
how businesses and individuals spend money. In general,
people and organizations spend money for two reasons:
• To solve a problem or ll a need. Think about it. You
dash into a fast-food restaurant for lunch so you can spare
yourself from packing leftovers. You hire a babysitter so
you can escape for an evening out. You pay a lawn-care
company to cut your grass so you can enjoy more free time
and fewer allergy symptoms.
• To gain good, positive feelings. My neighbor Susan
continues banking with the same institution even though
another bank in our neighborhood oers a better free-
checking deal—because she likes the people. My friend
Vince moved to the opposite side of town and still drives
back to the old neighborhood to take his dog to the vet.
Although he and the vet do not socialize together, he can’t
imagine going anywhere else. He likes that particular vet.
A good conversationalist frequently evokes the positive
feelings that people long to have, and the reality is that buyers’
choices about where to spend their money are inuenced by the
presence or absence of rapport. Small talk is a big deal because it
is integral to establishing rapport. Parents and teachers visit
before a conference to create a bond. Mortgage brokers chat
with referral sources like title companies and Realtors to
strengthen the relationship and garner business. Even a
minimal amount of pleasant small talk will make prospective
customers remember you better than they remember your
competitor.
It’s a tough and fast world. The news media provides more
bad news than good. People appreciate a conversation in which
they feel acknowledged, heard, and signicant. While it’s
understood that people seek these benets in conversations
with friends, it’s also true that people choose to buy goods and
services from individuals perceived as warm, friendly, and
caring. From the senior executive of a large corporation
selecting a supplier, to a parent picking up a few groceries, to
the account executive calling a courier—buying decisions are all
inuenced by the rapport that has been established with the
other party.
GARNER BIG GAINS WITH A
LITTLE TALKING
Eective managers use small talk at the front end of a
meeting to set the tone for discussion and to create a bridge to
more meaningful, and perhaps dicult, dialogue. Casual
conversation and informal icebreakers oer opportunities to
build rapport, create a cohesive team, and increase the chances
of success.
By developing your conversation skills, you can even
improve communication with your children. You’ll recognize
the most repeated question in parenting—How was school?—as a
conversation killer. You can avoid the usual one-word response
—Fine—and instead create a dialogue. Imagine, you may
actually gain insight into what they’re learning and who their
friends are!
Small talk is no small thing. It’s a valuable personal and
professional thread that connects people. Appreciating the
power of small talk is the rst step. By recognizing its value,
you’ll be more inclined to acquire the skills. If you thought
small talk was all about becoming a smooth-talking used-car
salesperson, you were mistaken. Small talk is the verbal
equivalent of that rst domino: It starts a chain reaction with
all kinds of implications for your life.
This book is lled with techniques and hints to give you the
skills to enjoy the perks of quality conversation. You won’t
necessarily decide that you love networking events or cocktail
parties, but you will have the skills to be successful at them.
Like me, you may still prefer to stay at home with a good book
rather than attend an event where you don’t know anyone.
There’s no denying that it takes eort to mingle at an open
house when the room is full of strangers. However, there’s also
no denying that there are plenty of events we’re expected to
attend. So it makes sense to maximize your opportunities, and
improved conversation skills will do just that. By the time you
nish this book, you’ll have the information and resources at
your disposal to make you a successful conversationalist at any
function. Improving your conversation skills can enhance your
leadership abilities, reduce your anxiety in social situations,
boost your condence, lead you to new friendships, and more.
Before you know it, you might actually enjoy making small talk!
2
GET OVER YOUR MOM’S GOOD INTENTIONS
It’s no wonder so many of us lack adequate conversation skills.
Some of our oldest memories still haunt and inuence us as
adults. Because of our earliest training, we are predisposed to
refrain from initiating a conversation. When we were
impressionable toddlers, our parents taught us:
• Good things come to those who wait.
• Silence is golden.
• Wait to be properly introduced.
• Don’t talk to strangers.
Those messages served us well as kids; the advice helped
ensure our safety and taught us manners. But now, as adults,
our safety isn’t at stake with every new person we meet! And by
now our manners are well established. The time has come to
replace those old messages with more relevant advice. Here it is.
IN SAFE SITUATIONS, MAKE IT
A POINT TO TALK TO
STRANGERS
To expand your circle of friends and colleagues, you must
start engaging strangers and acquaintances in conversation.
There is no other way. Strangers have the potential to become
good friends, long-term clients, valued associates, and bridges
to new experiences and other people. Start thinking of
strangers as people who can bring new dimensions to your life,
not as persons to be feared.
INTRODUCE YOURSELF
When was the last time someone properly introduced you to
another person? The truth is that the host of a gathering rarely
takes the time to do so in a meaningful way. You’ve been to this
kind of event. You go to a holiday open house hosted by an
important client. The client greets you, takes your coat, visits
for a minute, and shows you to the food. Your client departs to
greet another guest, and you are left standing next to the
shrimp cocktail, not knowing a single person in the room. If you
wait for the host to come back and properly introduce you to
some of the other guests, chances are your only new encounter
will be with the shrimp.
Times have changed. People expect you to mingle on your
own, introduce yourself, and take the initiative to get
acquainted. As Babe Ruth said, “Don’t let the fear of striking out
get in your way.” Remember, even your closest condante was
once a stranger. Take the risk. Walk up to someone and
introduce yourself. Extend your hand, make eye contact, and
smile saying, “Hello. My name is Deb Fine. It’s nice to meet you.”
If you are a member of an association, chamber of commerce,
fraternity or sorority, church or synagogue, you are probably
aware of these organizations’ constant challenge of retaining
membership. We join such organizations seeking out
fellowship; we often leave or quit because we don’t nd it.
Instead, we perceive others as members of groups or cliques
that won’t let us join.
I think most of us can relate to the following poem, author
unknown:
Thoughts from a New Member
I see you at the meetings,
but you never say hello.
You’re busy all the time you’re there
with those you really know.
I sit among the members,
yet I’m a lonely gal.
The new ones feel as strange as I;
the old ones pass us by.
Darn it, you folks urged us to join
and talked of fellowship,
You could just cross the room, you know,
but you never make the trip.
Can’t you just nod your head and smile
or stop and shake a hand,
Then go sit among your friends?
Now that I’d understand.
I’ll be at your next meeting,
and hope that you will spend
The time to introduce yourself,
I joined to be your friend.
At your next opportunity to spend time at a reception, coee
break, hospitality suite, or wedding, look around the room. Find
that approachable person and include him or her in
conversation. Chances are, that person is feeling as alone as you
are.
SILENCE IS IMPOLITE
Spare yourself some pain and forget the adage that silence is
golden. I rst recognized the downside of silence while I was
working as an engineer, side by side with a peer who had the
same academic credentials, tenure, and work quality. We were
considered equals in every sense of the word. However, my
colleague was outgoing and conversational. Sta members in
marketing, human resources, and quality control knew her
name, as did executives at corporate headquarters. Our
immediate supervisor noticed her and commented frequently
on her work. When the time came for a promotion, she got it
and I didn’t. I simply wasn’t as visible because I was so silent.
I later learned another costly lesson about silence. My friend
Johnnie, a regional director with a Fortune 100 company,
dragged me to all her company functions. Her boss, Bob, a
senior vice president, attended these functions, too. I admired
his poise and grace as he easily conversed with everyone. Bob’s
self-condence intimidated me so much that I rarely talked
with him, despite my respect for him. Even when he
approached me, I was too nervous to say much.
When I moved into engineering sales, I called on Bob to
reintroduce myself and promote my employer’s services. Before
I could even nish introducing myself, Bob blasted me, saying,
“I can’t believe that you’re calling me. We’ve been at the same
parties a dozen times, and you’ve ignored me at every one.
You’re the biggest snob I know. I have no interest in buying
anything from you.” Needless to say, I was stunned and
horried by his reaction. It had never occurred to me that
shyness could be mistaken for arrogance. While shyness and
arrogance are worlds apart, the visible manifestation of each
can appear the same. People generally do not give others the
benet of the doubt in this regard. Don’t risk being taken as
haughty or pretentious by keeping silent; it can cost you dearly.
Start small talking and let others see your personality. You
know how much you appreciate the eorts others put forth in
conversation. Make the same eort. Contrary to what your
elders taught you, silence is not golden.
GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE
WHO GO GET THEM!
Waiting will net you a bunch of lost time. You have to take
the initiative. Don’t spend another minute thinking that if you
just keep waiting, interesting people will introduce themselves.
It’s never going to happen. Out of habit, and to make things easy
on ourselves, we seek out someone we know—a colleague, a
client, even a competitor. We are comfortable with these people
because they attend the same functions, know the same jargon,
and are trying to reach the same decision-makers. We end up
paying forty dollars to attend an event and then seek out people
we already know because it’s less threatening. Yet the purpose
of the event was to make new contacts.
If ever there was a place you’d expect people to mingle, it’s a
singles event. Yet they are notorious for attracting wallowers.
Most people at singles events—including myself in a former life
—spend most of their time uncomfortably waiting around and
scanning the crowd for a friend. When a friend appears, they
immediately spend the evening hanging out together. If they
wanted to be with each other, why didn’t they just go out on a
date? If they don’t want to date each other, what are they doing
spending the evening together? They’re talking! Yes, talking—
it’s easy, comfortable, and safe. It is, however, no way to meet
someone new and spark a romance!
Good things come to those who take action and start
creating good things. American movie star, commentator, and
folk legend Will Rogers nailed it when he said, “Go out on a
limb. That’s where all the fruit is.” Although it might be scary to
climb out from the safety of the trunk, you’ll rarely pluck the
sweet fruit by waiting there.
IT’S UP TO YOU TO START A
CONVERSATION
Do you know the biggest social fear in America? It’s public
speaking. And do you know the second? It’s fear of starting a
conversation with a stranger. So remember when you walk into
a luncheon or a cocktail party, most people there are scared to
death to talk to you. Fear of rejection keeps many of us from
risking conversation, but the probability of rejection is actually
quite small. In the unlikely event that your eorts are
unappreciated, remember that it’s doubtful you’ll ever see that
person again. You will be the hero if you start the conversation.
You will gain stature, respect, and rapport if you can get the
conversation going. Almost always, people will embrace your
eorts and appreciate your leadership and friendship.
IT’S UP TO YOU TO ASSUME
THE BURDEN OF
CONVERSATION
If you generally wait for someone else to take the initiative
in a conversation, you have been self-centered. It’s true! You
have allowed your own comfort to take precedence over every
other person’s. You haven’t been doing your fair share of the
work. If you’ve largely ignored your conversational
responsibilities, it’s time to take ownership. You cannot rely on
the other person to carry the conversation for you—a
monologue is a chore and seldom very interesting.
Furthermore, one-word answers to questions do not count as
shouldering your share of the burden.
The rst step in becoming a great conversationalist is
becoming invested in the conversation and actively working to
help the other person feel comfortable. Take a look at the list of
icebreaker questions that follow and make a commitment to
use at least four of them in your next conversation. If you’re
afraid you won’t remember them, write them down, put them
in your pocket, and refer to them before you to go into the
event. If you go blank while you’re there, excuse yourself for a
moment and walk into the restroom to take a peek at your list.
The most famous and worn-out icebreaker is that age-old
question What do you do for a living? It’s so standard that it
didn’t make the icebreaker list. Here are some other ways to
begin a conversation that will provide a refreshing diversion
from shoptalk. You’ll never ask them all, just the ones that seem
appropriate for the particular conversation and time. And be
prepared to reciprocate, since your conversation partner is
likely to return whatever questions you pose.
BUSINESS ICEBREAKERS
1. Describe a typical day on the job.
2. How did you come up with this idea?
3. What got you started in this industry/area of
practice?
4. What got you interested in
marketing/research/teaching?
5. What do you enjoy most about your profession?
6. What separates you and your rm from your
competition?
7. Why does your company______?
8. Describe some of the challenges of your profession.
9. What do you see as the coming trends in your
business?
10. What ways have you found to be most eective for
promoting your business?
11. Describe your most important work experience.
12. What advice would you give someone just starting
in your business?
13. What one thing would you do if you knew you
could not fail?
14. What signicant changes have you seen take place
in your business since your start?
15. Describe the strangest incident you’ve experienced
in your business.
16. What was the best job you ever had? What was the
worst?
17. What’s the most dicult part of your job?
18. How has the Internet impacted your
work/profession?
19. Do you know someone who can help me ______?
20. Describe how the economy/election/summer
impacts your work.
SOCIAL/GENERAL ICEBREAKERS
1. What do you think of the movie/restaurant/party?
2. Tell me about the best vacation you’ve ever taken.
3. What’s your favorite thing to do on a rainy day?
4. If you could replay any moment in your life, what
would it be?
5. What one thing would you really like to own? Why?
6. Tell me about one of your favorite relatives.
7. What was it like in the town where you grew up?
8. What would you like to come back as in your next
life?
9. Tell me about your kids.
10. What do you think is the perfect age? Why?
11. What is a typical day like for you?
12. Of all the places you’ve lived, tell me about the one
you like the best.
13. What’s your favorite holiday? What do you enjoy
about it?
14. What are some of your family traditions that you
particularly enjoy?
15. Tell me about the rst car you ever bought.
16. How has the Internet aected your life?
17. Who were your idols as a kid? Have they changed?
18. Describe a memorable teacher you had.
19. Tell me about a movie/book you’ve seen or read
more than once.
20. What’s your favorite restaurant? Why?
21. Tell me why you were named ______. What is the
origin of your last name?
22. Tell me about a place you’ve visited that you hope
never to return to.
23. What’s the best surprise you’ve ever received?
24. What’s the neatest surprise you’ve ever planned
and pulled o for someone else?
25. Skiing here is always challenging. What are some
of your favorite places to ski?
26. Who would star as you in a movie about your life?
Why that person?
27. Who is the most famous person you’ve met?
28. Tell me about some of your New Year’s resolutions.
29. What’s the most antiestablishment thing you’ve
ever done?
30. Describe a costume that you wore to a party.
31. Tell me about a political position you’d like to hold.
32. What song reminds you of an incident in your life?
33. What’s the most memorable meal you’ve eaten?
34. What’s the most unforgettable coincidence you’ve
experienced or heard about?
35. How are you able to tell if that melon is ripe?
36. What motion picture star would you like to
interview? Why?
37. Tell me about your family.
38. What aroma brings forth a special memory?
39. Describe the scariest person you ever met.
40. What’s your favorite thing to do alone?
41. Tell me about a childhood friend who used to get
you in trouble.
42. Tell me about a time when you had too much to eat
or drink.
43. Describe your rst away-from-home living
quarters or experience.
44. Tell me about a time that you lost a job.
45. Share a memory of one of your grandparents.
46. Describe an embarrassing moment you’ve had.
47. Tell me something most people would never guess
about you.
48. What would you do if you won a million dollars?
49. Describe your ideal weather and why.
50. How did you learn to ski/hang drywall/play
piano?
3
TAKE THE PLUNGE: START A
CONVERSATION!
You are armed with a pocketful of icebreakers. You know that if
someone greets you, you’ve got some great material for a
conversation. Just having topics in mind to talk about goes a
long way toward improving your skills. However, there are still
a few gaps that can give you needless heart palpitations. Right
now you only feel prepared to respond when someone else
engages you in conversation. So you walk into your son’s school
and wait for another parent to say hello. You go to an industry
dinner and try to act busy while you hope for a colleague to
come along and talk. No. No. No. It does not need to be so
stressful.
Matt McGraw, an information services manager in Denver,
described how a situation was made less stressful because of his
initiation of small talk. “When I was much younger, nineteen or
twenty, attending the University of Oregon, I worked part-time
for a couple of years at the local hospital. My job title was prep
tech, and my role was to prepare the male surgical patients for
surgery, which included shaving them. As you can imagine, this
was a dicult job for me as well as the patient. I began my
workday at four thirty a.m., so it was usually very early when I
was prepping my rst patient. I would spend as much as an
hour or more with each one. The shaving itself was dicult and
physically uncomfortable. The patients were hungry,
oftentimes in pain, and weirded out by having another man
shave them. Many were very sick, facing mortal fears. An open-
heart prep required shaving a person one hundred percent from
chin to ankles. Hopefully, I’ve painted the situation as dicult.
“But I soon discovered that everything would go a thousand
times better if I engaged them in small talk. I found that they
relaxed, and that the time went by much faster if I could draw
them out of the moment. We didn’t talk about their health or
their fears or politics or sports, but just general, easy stu, like
where they lived, what it was like there, where they were from
originally, things like that.
“I totally agree with you about the power of small talk. It is
not about an agenda but is simply a way to acknowledge a
person as being very real and there. In the end, I suspect my
patients talked to me more than they had a chance to talk to all
of their doctors and nurses put together. It was an interesting
job.”
You can start the conversation—yes, you! It’s not nearly as
hard as you think. And the best part is that it puts you in charge
of your own destiny. Instead of waiting for someone—anyone—
to talk to you, you choose your conversation partner. What a
concept: You get to select someone. You might even enjoy it!
The rules are simple. When someone gives you a smile, you
are naturally inclined to smile back. Be the rst to smile and
greet another person. That’s pretty easy. Just a smile and a few
words, and it’s done. Be sure that you make eye contact. That
simple act is the beginning of establishing rapport. In those few
seconds you have shown an interest in the other person.
However, if the thought of this makes you want to jump into
bed and pull the covers over your head, practice ashing your
pearly whites in a setting that requires nothing more. Walk
through the mall and just say hello to ten people as you pass
them. As you cut through the parking lot into the grocery store,
greet three other shoppers. Keep practicing until it feels natural.
My friend Barb took a leap out of her professional comfort
zone to run for city council. She’s a natural at small talk anyway,
but she discovered something very important during her
campaign. At public forums, the other candidates would enter
the room, nd their place on the dais, and sit down to review
their notes or prepare answers to anticipated questions. But
Barb would mingle with the people in the audience, making a
personal connection with as many as possible. She discovered
that the best way to get people comfortable enough to open up
and express themselves was to look them in the eye and ask
What’s your name? Making eye contact and placing the
emphasis on the word your, rather than the word name,
signaled to the person that they were important. She never
failed to make a connection when she used this approach.
WHAT’S IN A NAME?
Okay, now you actually do have to stay and talk, not just
oer a passing hello. Make it a point to remember the other
person’s name; learning and using names is probably the single
most important rule of good conversation, so stay focused
during the introduction. Repeat the name back in your greeting.
Nice to meet you, Debra. To help yourself commit the name to
memory, immediately use the person’s name in the
conversation. Refrain from thinking about your reply and
concentrate on the other person’s name. Focus on the name,
repeat it, and then formulate your answer.
If you do get distracted during the introduction and miss the
name, confess! Don’t go through the whole conversation
pretending you know the person’s name. It’s better to say
something like Excuse me, I’m not sure I got your name. It is
always preferable to have the other party repeat it than to fake
it. Never, ever fake it! This is especially true if, for example, you
run into someone you’ve met previously whose name you
cannot recall as you are standing in line at the movie theater.
Don’t wait for divine inspiration. Say I’m so sorry. I’ve forgotten
your name. Please remind me. This proactive tactic will prevent
impending disaster. For instance, you have forgotten your
client’s name and in the midst of conversation your boss
advances your way. How will you introduce your boss to your
client if you don’t know your client’s name? Never put o
requesting a name reminder before moving on to chatting, or
you will regret it. The worst is the gambler who approaches
with a sure bet: I’ll bet you don’t remember my name! As I am not
inclined to increase the ante, I fold immediately and ask to be
reminded!
You no longer have to worry about avoiding people because
you’ve forgotten their names. Assume the burden, tell the truth,
and chances are you’ll go on to have a very pleasant
conversation. Even if you’re on the other side of a crowded room
or passing in the grocery store, go over and greet the person. If
you avoid someone because you are embarrassed over having
forgotten her name, you’ve just compounded the error with
rudeness.
Individuals with foreign or unusual names get slighted more
than the rest of us. Make it a point to learn the proper
pronunciation, even if it means that the other person repeats it
a few times. When you take the time to learn another person’s
name, you are expressing a sincere interest in that individual
that will be warmly received. Conversely, if you get lazy because
a person has a dicult name, you are sending a message that
it’s not worth your trouble to learn his name.
Remembering names is well worth the eort. In fact,
learning names is part of hosting the conversation. A host is
always expected to know and use every person’s name, since the
host is responsible for making introductions as new individuals
enter the conversation. I was seated at a table for eight and met
three people who had arrived at the table before I did. As others
arrived, I extended my hand, introduced myself, and made the
introductions to the other three. I said, This is Linda with Sun
Microsystems, and Jon with SONY, and Sam from the Association
of Safety Engineers. Acting as the host puts everyone at ease and
creates an atmosphere of warmth and appreciation that
naturally encourages conversation. It also positions you as a
leader in the group.
NIX THE NICKNAMES
If a colleague introduces himself as “Michael,” don’t call him
“Mike.” If he wanted you to call him “Mike,” he would have
introduced himself that way. If someone has a dicult name,
make the eort to learn it—do not shorten it to a nickname
without permission! It makes me crazy when someone shortens
my name to “Debbie.”
I know I’m not alone in this. After a meeting, a woman
named Julia walked up to me and said, “Debra, I’ve wanted to
tell you something. My name used to be Debra, also. I used to
give presentations for the government. Invariably, someone
would call me Debbie while asking a question. I hate the name
Debbie. Finally, I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I changed my
name to Julia!”
Make sure you use people’s names and get them right! For
instance, I call a client whose secretary answers, Katherine
Winter’s oce, this is Susan. I respond by saying, Hi Susan. This
is Debra Fine. May I speak with Katherine? Notice that I used each
person’s name, and did not take liberties with any of them.
Susan is very important because she represents the gateway to
my client. It would not serve me well to annoy her by slashing
her name to “Sue,” nor would it be helpful to avoid using her
name altogether. Using people’s names shows that you are
interested in them and makes them feel special.
Another example: When I was at the video store returning a
couple of overdue movies, I started talking to the clerk while we
waited for my account details to show up on the computer. In
the course of our brief conversation I used his name and asked if
he had seen every movie in the store. By the time my late fees
showed up on-screen, he canceled them and told me to have a
nice day! When you use another person’s name sincerely in a
conversation, it makes that person feel special.
IT’S BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO
RECEIVE
It’s just as important to give your name when you meet
someone—even if you’ve met him or her previously and think
they should remember your name. Consider it a random act of
kindness. Extend your hand. Hi, Patrick, Debra Fine. How are
you? By stating my name, I let Patrick o the hook. If he had
forgotten my name, it didn’t show, and he didn’t have to waste
conversation time being distracted trying to recall my name.
My current, second, and very last husband is a periodontist.
As a group, periodontists are not known for their charm or
gregarious personalities. Frequently, when we go out, his
patients recognize him and start a conversation without
reintroducing themselves. My husband doesn’t have a clue who
they are and feels awkward. He can’t include me in the
conversation easily because he can’t get through the
introductions. Don’t ever assume that someone who sees you
infrequently will remember your name, especially when they
see you out of context. You will remember the Realtor who
spent a Sunday driving you around looking at houses easier
than she will remember you, especially if you are in sweats at
the gas station. Cut her some slack; oer your name when you
say hello.
4
KEEP THE CONVERSATION GOING!
Remember, instead of sitting back and waiting for another
kind soul to start a conversation, take the lead. Think of it as if
you invited that person to your home for dinner. As host, it’s
your job to see that your guest is comfortable. The same is true
in conversation—try to make your guest as comfortable as
possible. When you walk into a party or a gathering, nd a
person to meet. It’s much easier to engage one person rather
than enter a group conversation, so begin by looking for the
“approachable person.”
The approachable person is the one who makes eye contact
with you or who is not actively engaged in a conversation or
another activity such as reading a newspaper or working at a
computer. It’s the solitary person getting a bite to eat, someone
sitting alone at a table, or the one crossing the room unescorted.
More often than not, these people are relieved to have someone
else initiate the conversation. Believe me, I’ve been around
plenty of these folks—they are intelligent, interesting,
welcoming … and shy. They are in the same spot you were
before you decided to improve your skills. If you take the
conversational plunge, they will herald you as a savior.
Make it a point to look around a room when you rst enter it.
It doesn’t matter what the event is—a meeting, a reception, a
baby shower, a party, even a family reunion—there are people
standing alone or sitting at an empty table. Don’t wait; make
eye contact and be the rst to smile. You’ll net a smile back, and
you’ll put the other person at ease, the way any ne host would!
People will reward you by being attentive listeners and giving
you a chance to practice your icebreakers.
Not only are icebreakers a good way to start a conversation,
but some of the statements are accompanied by questions you
can ask to keep the ball rolling. Don’t use a statement alone.
Using a statement by itself is like lobbing the conversational
ball blindfolded, not knowing where it will land or whether it
will get tossed back. For example, enthusiastic exclamations
like What a beautiful day, or That was a great ______ are indirect
invitations to chat. Better to be direct, so there is no doubt you
are starting a dialogue. Try these:
Starting with a Statement
• What a beautiful day. What’s your favorite season
of the year?
• I was truly touched by that movie. How did you like
it? Why?
• This is a wonderful restaurant. What is your favorite
restaurant? Why?
• What a great conference! Tell me about the
sessions you attended.
• I was absent last week. What did I miss?
• That was an interesting program after lunch. What
did you think?
• Presidential campaigns seem to start immediately
after the inauguration. What do you think of the
campaign process?
• I am so frustrated with getting this business off the
ground. Do you have any ideas?
• I am excited about our new mayor. How do you
think her administration will be different from her
predecessor’s?
• Your lawn always looks so green. What is your
secret?
• We’ve been working together for months now. I’d
like to get to know you better. Tell me about some of
your outside interests.
• You worked pretty hard on that stair stepper. What
other equipment do you use?
• You always wear such attractive clothes. What are
your favorite stores?
• What a beautiful home. How do you manage to run
a house with four children?
• I read in the newspaper that our governor has
taken another trip overseas. What do you think of all
his travel?
EASY OPENERS
Like most things that are unfamiliar, starting a conversation
appears harder than it actually is. If you still feel uncertain,
listen to this true story. A national news show put a hidden
microphone on a gentleman and set him loose at a party. His
mission was to start as many conversations with women as
possible using the ridiculous icebreaker Hi. What’s your sign?
Here we are in a new millennium, and he was using that
infamous 1970s line! And it worked! He walked up to a woman,
smiled, and spoke his line. She responded by saying, Taurus.
What’s yours?
He answered with, Libra. Do you know much about astrology?
They went on to have a very interesting conversation. The
moral of the story is that it’s the eort that counts. What
matters is taking the plunge and starting the conversation. This
gentleman was successful because he showed an interest in
what the other person had to say, and she was open to it.
Showing genuine interest is attering and essential to
conversing. If you are interested in how I lost sixty-ve pounds
or how I started my business or anything else about me, I feel
special. I also think positively about you and want to continue
talking with you. The more interest you show in me, the more
interesting you become to me. The simple act of truly being
interested in the other person has an amazing eect on the
conversation—it just snowballs!
You will be successful if you just take the initiative and give
it a try. You’ll be surprised by how easy it is and at the positive
reinforcement you get from people when you start a
conversation. Remember the following four steps and you are
well on your way to an excellent chat.
1. Make eye contact.
2. Smile.
3. Find that approachable person!
4. Oer your name and use theirs.
Give it a try. You’ll discover that it’s really worthwhile. The
true eort is taking the risk to be the rst to say hello. There is
no perfect icebreaker. What’s your sign? is a huge risk as an
icebreaker. As silly as it was, it worked because the woman
decided she would allow the man to engage her in conversation.
Think about it. We all do that. We size someone up, determine if
we are in the mood to chat, and gauge whether it is worth our
investment of time. The persons being approached have already
decided on their willingness to respond, regardless of the words
said.
Often, people make the huge mistake of assuming they will
have nothing in common with another person. We easily allow
dierences of all kinds to bias us against engaging in
conversation. We allow gender, ethnicity, social status,
generation, occupation, lifestyle, and a host of other dierences
to create articial barriers to success. In the course of touring
the country and talking to thousands of people in every
geographic region, from all walks of life, I have armed that we
are all more alike than we are dierent. It’s simply a matter of
talking, showing an interest, and listening. When I approach a
conversation I’m slowly peeling an onion—just one layer at a
time. I am always amazed and gratied by how interesting and
worthwhile it is to take the time to talk with a stranger.
At one of the rst programs I presented, I asked everyone to
introduce himself or herself and tell why they came to a session
on small talk. The rst person to introduce himself was a
gentleman named Bob. He said he was attending because he
was a Motorola customer-service engineer, and his boss wanted
him to improve his conversational skills with customers. He
added that, although his boss sent him to the session, he was
glad because he’d just moved to the very small town of
Elizabeth, Colorado. As a single man alone, he felt isolated and
wanted to meet people. Here’s what followed:
Debra: Elizabeth, Colorado, Bob. I used to live in
Elizabeth. I lived next to the Douglas County line near
the town of Parker. Are you there or closer to the town
of Elizabeth itself?
Bob: No, I live near Parker as well in a development
called Ponderosa Park Estates.
Debra: Ponderosa Park Estates? Wow. Bob, I used to
live there, too! I lived right near Ponderosa Lane and
Overlook Road.
Bob: Well, Debra, I live on Overlook Road.
Debra: That is amazing, Bob. I lived in the log house at
120 Overlook Road.
Bob: Well, Debra, this is truly amazing because I live in
the log house at 120 Overlook Road!
It turns out that when the family to whom my ex-husband
and I sold the home in 1985 moved, they sold it to Bob. Because
of this chance encounter, and because I took an interest in the
fact that Bob was from Elizabeth, Bob invited me to bring my
family to see the house again. I was delighted. We visited Bob at
his house, and my kids got the chance to experience a part of
their own history that would otherwise have been lost to them
since they were too young to remember having lived there.
Make the eort, and you’ll be richly rewarded. You have a
jumbo-sized list of icebreakers to get you started, and What’s
your sign? isn’t even on it!
BREAKING IN IS HARD TO DO
You’ve nally gotten up enough nerve to go speak to that one
person you’re most determined to meet. But he’s busy chatting
away with someone else. How do you break in? While the polite
thing to do would be to wait until you get noticed, sometimes
the conversation can be so engrossing that you will never be
granted an audience unless you take the initiative. In the
meantime, you feel a little foolish just standing alone in the
presence of these two people who are fully occupied with each
other.
The best approach I’ve found for breaking in is a throwback
to bygone dances. In a gentler era, when a man wanted to dance
with a woman but she already had a dance partner, all the man
had to do was politely tap her dance partner on the shoulder,
and the partner would relinquish his turn with the woman.
When you approach a “dancing couple,” wait politely for an
interval and then turn to the person you have no desire to speak
with and ask for permission to intrude so that you may speak
with his or her conversation partner. Most people are too
gracious to say no and will give you their permission. You’ve
smoothly maneuvered yourself into a position of attention with
the audience of your choice, and you’ve done it skillfully and
politely. Another option that is less intrusive is to excuse
yourself for the interruption, noting that you wanted to let the
person know you were in attendance and wanted an
opportunity to get together before the evening was over. You
will either be included at that point or instead searched out at a
later time. Either way, the person knows you made the eort to
touch base.
PARTY OF FIVE
It’s tough for a conversational novice to break into a two-
person chat, let alone a group of ve or more. A group this size is
usually well entrenched, and it requires covert operations to
inltrate. Use these tactics when you nd it necessary or
desirable to get engaged with these folks:
• Show interest in the speaker, but stand slightly away
from the group. A group this size is slow to warm, so rst
let them become accustomed to seeing you. Slowly, they
will shift to bring you into the circle.
• Ease into the group by demonstrating that you’ve been
listening. Look for welcoming signs such as them asking
your opinion or physically shifting positions to better
include you.
• Initially, it is best to nd a point of agreement; barring
that, just acknowledge the speaker. Wait before rocking
the boat with a big wave of radical opinions. Before
oering your views, let the group warm to you. If you
come on too strong too fast, the group will resent your
intrusion and disband. Then you have to start all over
again, looking to chat with someone you haven’t just
oended!
5
LET’S GIVE ’EM SOMETHING TO TALK
ABOUT
You’ve smiled, made eye contact, found the approachable
person, oered your name, and used theirs. What’s left, you
ask? Plenty! Have no fear—this is where it really gets fun. If you
are introverted, you will love this part because you stay on the
quiet side. Your mission is to get your conversation partners
talking about themselves. Most people enjoy the opportunity to
share their stories, and if you give them the chance, they’ll start
talking. This is a no-brainer route to small talking success.
IT’S ALL IN THE ASKING
By asking open-ended questions, you oer your conversation
partner the opportunity to disclose as much or as little as she
wants. These questions demand more than a simple yes or no
answer, yet they make no stressful demands. Your partner will
decide how much she feels comfortable saying. Such questions
are eective with coworkers, kids, neighbors, in-laws, industry
colleagues, friends, and when rst making the acquaintance of
a stranger. The key to successfully using open-ended questions
is choosing the right question and then following up with
another if it’s needed.
For instance, let’s take the toughest conversation partners of
all: school-age kids. They make it so dicult to have a
conversation, it’s almost an oxymoron to consider them
conversation partners. Nonetheless, because they are kids, I give
them the benet of the doubt and hone my skills with my own
two kids. I know I haven’t lost my edge when I get them engaged
in a meaningful dialogue.
My kids come through the door at the end of the day, and I
ask, How was your day at school? In stereo, I get back, Fine.
Instead of considering that a dead end, I follow up with another
question. I inquire, What did you like about it today? My teenage
son usually says, I don’t know. I look him right in the eye and tell
him, Really, tell me about one class you liked today. He thinks
about it for a minute. Finally he says, Science. And I inquire,
What did you like about science? He launches into a colorful
description of an experiment they did, and we’re talking. The
bottom line is that you have to open it up, and you have to show
you truly care.
OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS
• Describe for me …
• Tell me about …
• How did you … ?
• What was that like for you?
• What brought you to … ?
• Why?
DIGGING DEEPER
Every Monday in oces across the country people ask each
other, How was your weekend? That question most often nets a
one-sentence reply akin to, Good. How about yours? Before a
reply is even uttered, you are ten steps down the hall. What’s
the message? That you really weren’t interested, you were just
saying hello. How was your vacation? How was your holiday?
How’s work? How are you? What’s been going on? How have you
been? These everyday inquiries are just a few other ways of
saying hello. It’s almost universally understood that these
questions are a form of greeting, not a sincere inquiry. Only in
America. In most other cultures and countries How are you?
really means How are you? It would be considered rude to ask
that question and not expect an answer.
Most of the time the conversation ends immediately after a
brief exchange. I ask my husband, Steve, How was your day? He
replies, Great. The conversation evaporates—not because there
was no place to go with it but because of a lack of follow-up. My
husband doesn’t think I really care about his day unless I ask
more. I invite conversation by saying, What made it so great?
What went on for you today?
The following script illustrates a conversation mired in a rut
of clichés:
Debra: Hi Jon! How are you today?
Jon: I’m feeling pretty blue.
Debra: Well Jon, keep your chin up!
Jon: I think I might get laid o!
Debra: Good jobs are few and far between.
Jon: Do you think I should start looking for a new job
right away?
Debra: If you don’t lift a nger you could be out in the
cold, perhaps not even able to bring home the bacon
much less keep body and soul together, and wouldn’t
that be a ne kettle of sh?
Jon: What do you think the best approach would be?
Looking through the Sunday classied ads?
Debra: Sure. Take the bull by the horns. Put your best
foot forward and face the music. You are no babe in
the woods and you’re not getting any younger. If you
go at it you might get more oers than you can shake a
stick at!
Whenever you begin a dialogue with a question, get ready to
dig deeper so that the other person knows you are interested in
hearing more. Digging in deeper indicates you truly desire a
response and are prepared to invest time in hearing the
response. Here are some suggestions:
• How was your summer? Excellent. What special
things did you do?
• How were your holidays? Pretty good. How did you
celebrate?
• How was your weekend? Good. What did you do? I
went to see that new play down at the Civic Center.
Really? You’re interested in ______? I never knew
that. Tell me more about that.
• Did you do anything relaxing?
• Is that something you usually do on the weekend?
With the right queries, a conversation with a coworker about
the weekend can occupy an entire cup of coee. The key is to
have a genuine interest in what the other person is saying,
along with a genuine desire to hear the response. So while you
get to be quiet, you do not get to be passive. You must actively
participate in the conversation.
Suppose, however, you call a customer or your boss, and the
conversation is as follows when you ask about the weekend:
How was your weekend? Great. Tell me about it. Well, we
spent some time working in the garden and that was
about it. Now about this proposal.
You should recognize that the other person has steered the
conversation back to business. That’s the signal that the person
does not want to chat at the moment. Respect those wishes by
switching into a business mode.
Here are some other examples of digging deeper into a
conversation: You ask, How have you been? and get the reply,
Busy. Follow-up responses could include: How do you deal with
being busy? What is going on that’s got you so busy? Describe a busy
day for you. Do you like being busy? Does there seem to be a cycle of
busy-ness during your year? Do you remember a time in your life
when you weren’t as busy?
Or you ask, Isn’t this weather terrible? and receive the reply, It
sure is. You might respond with these: How terrible does it get in
this part of the country? What is your idea of an ideal climate?
How does bad weather aect you? Have you lived anywhere else
with terrible weather? What brought you here?
I received this note from a director-level executive at a large
aerospace corporation demonstrating the benets of “digging
deeper.” He relates how he e-mailed a colleague about her recent
job promotion. How’s the new job? Her reply: Pretty good. Instead
of accepting that brief reply, he e-mailed her back: I’m really
interested … how has it been for you? This got him a detailed e-
mail response about the pitfalls and challenges of her new
position.
Of course it’s much easier to ask appropriate open-ended
questions of people you know than those you are just meeting.
Use discretion when meeting new people: Asking a dicult
question could put the other person in an awkward position.
Likewise, sometimes when we are asking open-ended
questions, we really are asking questions that require only a
one- or two-word answer. Here are some new ways to ask old
favorites:
Instead of Try this:
asking:
Are you
married? Tell me about your family.
What do you do
for a living? Tell me about your business/work.
Do you have
kids? Tell me about your family.
What’s your
favorite hobby? Tell me about your favorite hobby.
How was your
weekend?
What was the best part of your weekend?
What went on for you this weekend?
When you need to mingle at an industry function or take a
client to lunch, prepare yourself for the event by selecting some
business-related questions to ask. See below for some that work
every time. Of course, the goal is not to ask every one of these
but to have some ready so that you feel prepared, poised, and
condent.
FREE FOR THE TAKING
If you are an astute observer, you’ll discover that your small-
talking cohort is giving you a wealth of free information you
can use to keep a conversation going. Sources of free
information include:
Answers to open-ended questions. When you invite
someone to tell you about his family or her job, you will
receive additional free information that you can use to
further the conversation. Suppose you ask me, Debra,
how is it that you worked in product planning for AT&T?
and I say, I was in R&D in Bualo, New York, where I’m
from, and I hated it. I hated being an engineer—they don’t
even make pocket protectors for women! So I asked to be
transferred anywhere. They brought me to Denver to work
in product planning. I oered lots of free information: I’m
from Bualo, I was in R&D (research and development),
and I hated being an engineer. You can choose any of
that free information to nd out more about what
interests you the most. You could facilitate the
conversation by asking any one of a dozen questions,
including:
• Are the winters in Bualo really as bad as they say?
• Why didn’t you like being an engineer?
• Would it have made a dierence in your career if there
had been pocket protectors for women?
• What is it like to do R&D for a corporation like AT&T?
• Was it tough living with a perennial Super Bowl loser?
• Where did you study engineering?
Appearances. Lapel pins and jewelry: The man
behind me in line at the bakery was wearing a lapel pin
on his suit. I asked him about it and found out that he’s
in the local Rotary Club. From that inauspicious
beginning we had a great conversation. I shared with
him that I was a Rotarian as well.
Fail-Safe Questions for Every Business Function
• How did you get started in your business?
• How did you come up with this idea?
• What got you interested in ______ (business
function, job, industry)?
• What happened first?
• Tell me what you enjoy most about your profession.
• What separates your firm from the competition?
• Describe some of the challenges of your profession.
• What will be the coming trends in your business?
• What ways have you found to be the most effective
in promoting your business?
• Tell me about your most important work
experience.
• What advice would you give someone just starting
out in your business?
• What one thing would you do if you knew for sure
that you couldn’t fail?
• What significant changes have you seen since you
started in your field?
• What is the most bizarre incident that you’ve ever
experienced in your business?
• How has the Internet impacted your business?
What about your profession as a whole?
Team apparel and other logo-identied clothing,
accessories, water bottles, and clipboards are great
conversation starters. Be observant for a new hairdo, a
book or magazine, a child’s artwork, or a cast on a broken
limb. Some options:
• It looks like you might be a fan of the Denver Broncos.
What do you think of their season?
• I notice that you’re wearing a shirt from the London
Hard Rock Café. Have you been there? What did you
think of it?
• I see that you ran the Race for the Cure; what other races
have you run?
Oce and home decorations are small talk
opportunities waiting to happen.
• A diploma on the wall gives you an opening: What
made you choose the University of Michigan for your
graduate work?
• Virtually any object or photograph on display is a
conversation starter: You must love golf—tell me about
this trophy.
• What an interesting piece of art. Tell me about it.
• Tell me about this picture. Who is that with you?
Location, location, location and occasion, occasion,
occasion. The location and occasion of an event oer a
wide variety of free information. At a wedding: I was the
bride’s college roommate. How do you know the couple? At a
seminar or convention, simply asking What brought you
to this event? is an easy and unobtrusive way to start a
conversation.
As I took leave of a seminar I had taught, I held the elevator
for a man coming down the hall. I usually don’t small talk on
elevators because of the limited time, but on a whim I used the
free information I had, which was that I knew there were two
classrooms on that oor. Since the man had not been in my
class, it was a pretty good guess that he’d come from the other. I
asked him, Were you here for a class? He told me he’d attended a
book-writing class. It turns out that I was speaking with Harry
MacLean, best-selling author and teacher of the course. We
continued our conversation outside of the elevator, and I now
have a new friend. He even agreed to speak to my book club
about his most recent book, Once Upon a Time. One of the
reasons I love small talk is that you just never know who you’ll
meet or where it’ll lead.
Behavior. If you are observant, you’ll get a lot of free
information from people’s behavior. The way they speak
and write can oer you small talk starters. Notice if they
are left-handed. You can inquire, Is it challenging being
left-handed? What pet peeves do you have about it? Does
the person have an accent? If so, you might say, I thought
I heard an accent. What part of the country/world are you
from? or What brought you here? or What do you miss the
most about where you are from? or What do you enjoy
about your new home?
I entered my local FedEx oce with eciency in mind—
after all, that’s why I’m there. I want to get in and get out. The
very fact that I require the services of FedEx is free information
that I’m in a hurry. I’ve got a pressing delivery. However, as I
watched the clerk complete the forms, I was struck by the
beautiful handwriting of this left-handed woman. I
complimented her with a statement—not a question.
Unfortunately, she responded as though it were an inquiry. I got
the whole story of how she used to be a teacher and had
purposefully perfected her handwriting … she moved to
Arizona … got divorced … remarried and moved to Colorado. I
could not get her to understand that I was in a hurry. She was
still talking as I backed out of the door! That is what I call an
unintended icebreaker. It goes to show you that the slightest
interest in someone is often all it takes to get a conversation
going. Even the one-sided kind!
FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT
Now that you are becoming small talk savvy, practice the
fundamentals. Can you recall ve surere questions to use in a
business setting? Can you name half a dozen sources of free
information? Scout your current location right now. What do
you see that would make good conversation material?
You’ll become skilled at small talk the same way you’ve
improved in other activities—practice. It’s not dicult—high
school geometry was much harder than this. All you need to do
is practice. Little by little, you’ll give your conversation partner
plenty to talk about!
6
HEARING AIDS AND LISTENING DEVICES
We’ve covered half the requirements for carrying on a good
conversation: how to take the lead, break the ice, and maintain a
conversation. You know what works and what doesn’t.
However, none of this guarantees success just yet. A great
conversation hinges on two things: the talking and the
listening. Scientic research has shown that people are capable
of listening to approximately 300 words per minute. On the ip
side, most of us can only speak at 150 to 200 words per minute
—unless you’re one of those folks rattling o the disclaimer at
the end of a radio spot advertising a new car lease!
The dilemma is that we have the capacity to take in much
more information than one person can divulge at any given
time. So what do we do with this excess capacity? We put it to
good use, of course. We eavesdrop on other conversations; we
start thinking about what to have for dinner; we drift away into
our private thoughts—and suddenly we’ve drifted too far … and
missed something important!
Psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The biggest block to
personal conversation is one man’s inability to listen
intelligently, understandingly, and skillfully to another person.”
Psychoanalyst Dr. Ann Appelbaum understood the source of her
livelihood when she wrote in the Menninger Clinic’s newsletter
Perspective, “The image of the voice crying in the wilderness
epitomizes the loneliness, the madness of not being heard. So
great is our need and hunger for validation that good listeners
are prized. Psychoanalysts, for example, earn a living by
listening and providing responses that validate the other
person.”
Have you ever gone out to lunch with someone who really
needs to talk? You hardly say a word. You oer support, a few
kind words, a nod of the head, and you listen. The other person
feels much better afterward and is ever so grateful for the
conversation.
In our technology-driven world the bombardment of
constant stimuli and white noise makes it a challenge to listen.
Listening is no longer taken for granted. In fact, it’s frequently
the exception. Attentive listening has three parts: visual, verbal,
and mental. Combine these elements, and powerful listening
results.
Listening?
LISTENING IS SEEN, NOT JUST
HEARD
The physiological process of listening is invisible to the
observer. We cannot watch the sound vibrations go into
someone’s ears to conrm that they received the intended
message. Consequently, the speaker is always on the lookout for
cues to validate receipt of the message. Visual cues, which oer
the easiest form of feedback, let the speaker know you are
paying attention. Facial expressions, head nods, and positive
body language are clear ways of expressing interest in your
conversation partner’s words.
Eight-year-old Nicholas came home from school, bounded
into the house, and started telling his dad about his great day at
school. “Dad,” Nick said, “I had a great day at school. We had art
class today, and I painted a cool picture of the mountains. We
played soccer during gym and I scored a goal. And guess what—
they served pizza for lunch!” Nicholas looks at his dad reading
the newspaper and sighs, “Dad, you’re not listening to me!” His
dad looks up and says, “Yes I am, son. You painted a picture of
the mountains, you scored a goal in the soccer game, and you
had pizza for lunch.” Nicholas, unappeased, replies, “No, Dad.
That’s not it. You’re not listening to me with your eyes.”
Even though Nick’s dad clearly heard his son, Nick felt
minimized because he did not have his dad’s full attention. He
wanted more than a download of facts about his day to his dad.
He wanted to see his dad’s response. He wanted to feel
connected. He wanted his dad to be invested in the story. He
wanted validation while he was telling his story.
Listening is more than just hearing. It’s a level of
involvement that goes beyond reciting the contents of the
conversation. Ray Birdwhistle, a pioneer in nonverbal
communication, estimated that in a normal two-person
conversation, verbal components carry less than 35 percent of
the social meaning of the situation, while nonverbal
components account for over 65 percent. It’s critical to
maintain eye contact when you are listening to another person.
Don’t look around at what others are doing—stay focused on
the conversation at hand. Add nodding to your visual listening
cues. This reinforces to the speaker that you are following
along. Most people with good intentions provide eye contact.
But even those with good intentions drop the conversational
ball when in groups of three or more. As we glance at new
arrivals or peruse the buet table, we expect that the others in
our group are maintaining eye contact. After all, it was someone
else at the table that posed the question or encouraged the
conversation. They won’t notice our momentary lack of
attention. Yet it is noticed. And one of two consequences occurs.
Either the person speaking fears that we are bored so he clams
up, or it is assumed that we are arrogant or rude because of our
lack of good manners. When talking with people, behave as if
there are no distractions in the room. It is always okay to
disclose that you need to keep your eyes on the door because
you promised to keep an eye out for a friend’s arrival. Then your
lack of consistent eye contact is explained.
Body language also gives the speaker clues about you and
your listening. The following illustration demonstrates
negative and positive body language. When you cross your
arms and legs, you are exhibiting defensiveness—even if your
reason is cold weather! If you keep your head down and avoid
eye contact, you send a message that you are avoiding
interaction—even if your reason is shyness and you actually
want someone to talk to you! People generally respond to these
signals by ignoring you; you are not considered approachable. If
you rest your chin in your hand, it appears that you are bored.
Likewise, when you place your hands on your hips, you appear
aggressive and unhappy with your conversation partner, or
with the words you are hearing.
There are just as many ways to signal your interest and
enthusiasm for the dialogue.
POSITIVE MESSAGES TO THE SPEAKER
• Lean forward
• Maintain eye contact
• Open up your arms and body
• Relax your body posture
• Face your partner
• Nod and smile
OFF-PUTTING GESTURES YOU SHOULD NEVER USE
• Pointing
• Covering your mouth
• Rubbing or fondling body parts
• Fiddling with jewelry
• Tapping a pencil or pen
• Swinging your leg
• Crossing arms across your chest
• Putting hands on your hips
• Glancing away from the person who is speaking
Unlike other small talking tricks that are easier than they
look, these can be harder. Most of us are on automatic pilot
when it comes to our body language because of a lifetime of
habits. Our shoulders hunch over at a party because we are shy,
we tug and twist our hair because we are nervous, we sit stiy
during a job interview because of tension. Be aware of what
your body language is saying to the world. It requires practice
and concentration to overcome nervous habits and use positive
body language. Stick with it; practice will make it easier every
time.
Here’s a little trick for you. If you’re uncomfortable
maintaining full-on eye contact with your conversation
partner, look them right between the eyes. Somehow, this little
shift will make both of you feel more comfortable. It can be
disconcerting to have someone staring straight into your eyes.
A little polite acquiescence will make both of you feel connected
but comfortable.
You can also increase the comfort level of your conversation
partner by modifying your own style to be more similar to hers.
If you are chatting with someone who speaks slowly and softly,
work to keep your volume low as well. You can overwhelm a
slow-talking, soft-spoken person with your own volume and
speed. This is not to say you shouldn’t be yourself; you should.
However, as the “host,” you want to enhance the comfort of
your guest.
VERBALIZE YOUR LISTENING
Verbal cues complement the visual feedback you give a
speaker. The absence of verbal cues makes a speaker wonder if
anyone is listening. I called my dad, who lives in Bualo. I was
telling him a story about the kids, and there was silence on the
other end of the phone. I abruptly stopped the story and asked,
“Dad, are you there?” He became indignant and said, “Of course
I’m here. I’m listening to you. Tell me about my grandkids.” I
replied, “You weren’t saying anything so I thought maybe you’d
suddenly been buried by eight feet of snow.” “I didn’t want to
interrupt,” he replied.
There are numerous verbal cues to let the speaker know you
are fully engaged in the conversation. These brief comments tell
the speaker that you are interested and want to know more. You
can use verbal cues to show that you have a positive response,
that you disagree, or that you want to hear more about
something in particular. Check out this list to see which cues
are used in dierent situations.
If you want to show
that you are: Say:
Interested in hearing
more … Tell me more. What was that like for you?
Taking it all in … Hmmm, I see …
Responding
positively …
How interesting! What an
accomplishment!
Diverging … On the other hand, what do you think …
?
Expanding on the idea
…Along that same line, do you … ? Why?
Arguing/refuting … What proof do you have of that?
Involving yourself … Could I do that? What would it mean to
me?
Clarifying … I’m not sure I’m clear on your feelings
about …
Empathizing … That must have been tough/frustrating,
et cetera.
Probing … What do you mean by that? How were
you able to manage?
Seeking specics … Can you give me an example?
Seeking generalities
…What’s the big picture here?
Looking to the future
…What do you think will happen next?
Reviewing the past … What happened rst?
Seeking
likenesses/dierences
Have you ever seen anything like this?
What’s the opposing point of view?
Seeking
extremes/contrasts
What’s the downside? What’s the
optimum?
Other verbal listening cues function to redirect the
conversation by transitioning to another topic. Examples of
cues that oer a seamless segue include:
• That reminds me of …
• When you were talking about ______, I remembered
…
• You know, I was just reading in the paper about …
• I’ve always wanted to ask you …
• I thought of you when I heard …
• Do you mind if I change the subject?
• There’s something I’ve wanted to ask of someone
with your expertise.
All these verbal cues indicate that you are fully present. Just
as important, these cues encourage others to continue
speaking. Imagine someone asks you a question, and you
respond with a one-sentence answer. You are uncertain as to
how much information they are truly interested in learning.
Added verbal cues as you respond assure you that their interest
is sincere. Verbal cues encourage others to continue. Use verbal
cues as an active way to get others to do the talking so that you
can spend some time eating your cheeseburger!
Gabby people seldom listen. Those of us who consider
ourselves quiet often congratulate ourselves for our awesome
listening skills; at least we keep our mouths shut and listen! But
this attitude is sometimes reected as a lack of participation in
the conversation. Too much listening and not enough
verbalizing can halt a conversation, too. It is important to
verbally let others know that we are following along, actively
listening.
STATING THE OBVIOUS
When you paraphrase what’s been said, or repeat the
specics of what you have heard, there can be no doubt that you
have listened and understood the speaker. This is especially
eective when you are disagreeing with your conversation
partner or have listened to her explain something highly
complex or technical. Paraphrasing the speaker claries that
you understood accurately. Or it can help the speaker recognize
that you misunderstood what she was attempting to
communicate. For instance: I am unhappy with what I perceive
as lack of help from my husband with household chores. We
discuss the problem. I am thrilled when Steve promises to help
more around the house. Two weeks later I jump all over him. I
am upset because I have not witnessed his added help around
the house. “You promised to help more with household chores.
When do you plan to start keeping your promise?” I implore. “I
am helping out,” Steve replies. “I’ve been collecting the trash
and taking it to the curb every Thursday.” “That’s it?” I ask. I
expected Steve to take on 50 percent of the chores. But instead
of clarifying what he meant by agreeing to my request for help,
I assumed I knew what he meant. He assumed I meant any help
would be appreciated. Men and women will say exactly the
same words and yet mean two entirely dierent things. Clarify
or paraphrase to prevent misunderstandings at work and at
home.
In an emotionally charged situation, you gain a side benet
of defusing anger when you repeat the specics of what the
other person stated. People naturally calm down when they
realize they’ve been understood. Skilled customer service
managers know that by repeating what an angry customer is
saying, they can reduce the level of hostility. Remaining calm
while doing so sends a message about your own
professionalism and poise.
Before expressing apologies, before solving a problem, let the
person know that they have been heard by repeating the
specics.
Ten Tips for Tip-Top Listening
1. Learn to want to listen. You must have the desire,
interest, concentration, and self-discipline.
2. To be a good listener, give verbal and visual cues
that you are listening.
3. Anticipate excellence. We get good information
more often when we expect it.
4. Become a “whole body” listener: Listen with your
ears, your eyes, and your heart.
5. Take notes. They aid retention.
6. Listen now, report later. Plan to tell someone what
you heard, and you will remember it better.
7. Build rapport by pacing the speaker. Approximate
the speaker’s gestures, facial expressions, and voice
patterns to create comfortable communication.
8. Control internal and external distractions.
9. Generously give the gift of listening.
10. Be present, watch the tendency to daydream.
Don’t drift off from conversations.
MENTAL LISTENING SKILLS
All the visual and verbal cues in the world are useless if you
haven’t stayed focused enough on the conversation to track it
well. A good conversation partner retains what’s been said. If
you are too bored to stay with the conversation, exit gracefully
instead of embarrassing your conversation partner by
demonstrating boredom.
I had a business lunch with a woman who shall remain
nameless. I told her a story about my kids and mentioned that
my second and current husband is a periodontist. Several
minutes later, during a pause in the conversation, she asked if I
was married! Clearly, she had drifted away in the conversation.
Don’t jeopardize a relationship by failing to listen. Your job
as a conversation partner is to listen when the other person is
speaking. This isn’t optional—it’s a required courtesy when
conversing. If, for whatever reason, you cannot remain focused
on what the speaker is saying, excuse yourself. The messages
you send through visual, verbal, and mental cues let your
partner know the status of the conversation. If you feel trapped
in a conversation and don’t know how to exit, read on. We’ll
take care of that dilemma as well.
7
PREVENT PREGNANT PAUSES WITH
PREPARATION
Even with icebreakers, conversation-makers, and active
listening, there are still times when the conversation can grind
to a halt if you’re not prepared. Invariably, at any conference
luncheon, at least one table of eight intelligent people ends up
staring at their plates trying to gure out how to get the
conversation rolling after they’ve “talked shop” ten minutes too
long! They could have avoided extensive examination of the rice
pilaf if just one person had been prepared. Yes, prepared—as in
advance planning.
All eight knew they would be sitting down with seven
people they didn’t know. A good conversationalist prepares
before the event. No worries—slides, laptop presentations, and
laser pointers are not required! All that is needed is a bit of
forethought that can be accomplished in the car on the way to
the event. Here are a few foolproof ideas:
Jump Starters
• Did anyone happen to catch that special on TV last
night?
• Have any of you seen the film …
• I just finished reading ______. Has anyone read it
yet?
• Have any of you heard of that new ______
technology?
• Does anyone here have a (bank, hairdresser,
stockbroker, etc.) they could recommend?
DON’T LET OLD
ACQUAINTANCES BE
FORGOTTEN
You need more than icebreakers to enjoy your time
conversing with others. You need to tailor your preparation to
the nature of the occasion and the people with whom you’ll be
talking. One of the toughest audiences—after kids—is an
acquaintance you see only once in a while. You have some
history together, you know a bit about each other, and you don’t
have a clue what’s changed in the year since you last saw each
other. In fact, it’s good to assume that things probably have
changed. Suppose you see a colleague annually at an industry
function. In the past twelve months your colleague may have
gotten a dierent job, experienced the death of a close friend or
relative, gone on an extraordinary vacation, had a spiritual
awakening, or gotten married or divorced. In other words, don’t
presume that you are picking up a conversation that started a
year ago. Without asking So what’s new?, a question that begs
the conversation-stopping answer Not much, seek out what’s
new and keep the conversation rolling with questions like these:
With Acquaintances Use
• Bring me up to date on …
• What’s been going on with work since I last saw
you?
• What has changed in your life since we spoke last?
• How’s your year been?
• What’s new with the family?
With Acquaintances Don’t Use
• How’s your wife/husband/partner?
• How’s your job at … ?
• What are your child’s college plans?
• How’s your wife/husband/partner?
• How’s your job at … ?
• What are your child’s college plans?
All of the above can backfire if you do not know the
person well.
GETTING A HISTORY LESSON
Frequently, you nd yourself in an awkward silence or a
pregnant pause in the conversation. It is up to you to either
invigorate the conversation or allow it to slowly grind to a halt.
Do your part to charge up the conversation by being prepared
with questions on the origin and history of those people you are
with. For instance, you can inquire:
History Lessons
• How did you two meet?
• How did you get started ______?
• What got you interested in this area?
• When did you first know you wanted to be a
______?
• What brought you to Colorado?
• How do you all know each other?
• What got you interested in marketing?
• What gave you the idea for this business?
• What happened first?
PREPARING FOR THE LONG
HAUL
Prepare for a conversation like you’d prepare for an interview
—both as the interviewer and the interviewee. It takes much
less eort to prepare for a conversation than a job interview, but
the philosophy is the same. You want to have material prepared
that is relevant to the event so that you can converse
articulately and gracefully. I call the questions that fall into this
category “interviewing questions”; they help keep the
conversation humming along. As I drive into a parking lot
before entering a meeting, luncheon, or any type of function, I
prepare as if for an interview. I spend two minutes thinking
about specic interviewing questions that apply to the
person(s), event, or situation I am about to encounter. Most of
us nd ourselves seated across from a stranger we know
nothing about; we panic and cannot think of anything to say.
What an awkward moment! Think about it: When is the worst
time to think of something to talk about? When there is
nothing to talk about! Here are some examples of interviewing
questions you can customize to t your own personality:
Interviewing Questions
• What do you enjoy most about this season of the
year?
• What got you involved in this organization/event?
• If you weren’t here, what would you be doing at this
very moment?
• If you could meet any one person, whom would you
choose?
• Tell me about an issue that matters a great deal to
you.
• What has been your most important work
experience?
When you are getting together with a person you have spent
time with before, review some of the particulars you learned on
previous occasions. Maybe you discussed the M.B.A. they were
working on, or the volleyball league they coach each spring, or
the fact that gardening is a beloved hobby. Don’t expect to recall
these specics during a pregnant pause. Instead, prepare
yourself!
Interviewing Questions
• What word would you say describes you best?
• Do you have a personal motto or creed?
• Do you have any heroes that you greatly admire?
• What did people in high school think you were like?
• What do you do that you wish you could stop
doing?
THE NONVERBAL PART OF THE
CONVERSATION
One of my favorite exercises when teaching Small Talk
seminars illustrates the point beautifully. I get ten to twelve
people in a circle and arbitrarily hand one of them a ball of yarn.
That person must hold on to the end of the yarn, disclose
something about herself, and toss the ball of yarn to someone
else in the group. The recipient must ask a question of the
thrower about what she said. The recipient must then tell
something about himself, hold on to the string, and toss the ball
of yarn to the next person. This continues until every person
has had the ball.
I love this exercise because the participants discover several
things. First, since they don’t know when they’ll receive the
ball, they truly listen to what everyone else says. Paying
attention is the only way they’ll be able to ask an intelligent
question. Second, they learn to focus on asking appropriate,
related questions or making appropriate, related verbal cues.
Asking appropriate questions and making appropriate
comments is one of the easiest ways to keep the conversation
chugging seamlessly along. Last, they pay attention to body
language, because the speaker always makes eye contact prior
to throwing, so that the ball won’t be dropped! If the speaker
doesn’t make eye contact or the listener isn’t paying attention,
the conversation abruptly ends with a noticeable thud.
Advance planning helps ensure that the ball doesn’t get
dropped. If you are at an event where you’ll spend a
considerable amount of time with the same group, such as a
luncheon, be prepared to move beyond icebreakers and initial
conversation-makers. You need to be prepared to engage in
longer conversations, so you need more topics. This needn’t be
dicult. If you are worried that you’ll forget, keep a cheat sheet
in your wallet or purse to peruse just prior to lunch.
The one topic that you needn’t have a list for is the one you
know best: yourself. Out of courtesy to the introverts in the
crowd, I have waited until we were well into the book before
getting to this point. Regardless of how many appropriate
questions you have on hand, sooner or later you must talk
about yourself. The rules of good conversation require give and
take. If you only ask questions, your conversation partner will
resent the lack of parity. It’s important that each person tell
about herself. This is a stretch for some people, though. It used
to be a stretch for me, too. I have discovered that most people
who are reticent to talk about themselves fear one or both of the
following:
1. They worry that their lives are too ordinary to be
interesting.
2. They do not want to appear self-centered or
conceited.
ORDINARY PEOPLE
Guess what? Most of us are ordinary people just trying to live
our lives. We worry about paying bills, educating kids, our
favorite team winning a championship, getting a promotion,
caring for elderly parents, taking an occasional vacation, having
time for a hobby, and relaxing now and then. We are more alike
than we are dierent, and our commonality as human beings
opens the door for connection and conversation. Even ordinary
people have extraordinary things happen to them that make for
excellent conversation. Every person I know has had an
extraordinary experience of one kind or another. Lurking
somewhere in your conversation is a hilarious event, a once-in-
a-lifetime vacation, a ridiculous moment, an exciting
accomplishment, a hair-raising happy-ending tale, an uncanny
coincidence, or an incredible adventure. Find it and bring it out!
Almost anything is a conversation in the making.
LIMELIGHT ETIQUETTE
There are a few rules to remember as you reluctantly step
into the limelight. You will do ne if you follow this advice—no
one is skulking about with a hook looking to pull you “ostage.”
First, disclose information about yourself that is comfortable
and uncontroversial. Lead with easy, positive, and light
information. Building trust and intimacy over time creates
friendships. Having a conversation is a little like peeling an
onion—you want to proceed in layers, matching the level of
intimacy shared by your partner.
For instance, suppose your small talking sidekick has just
confessed that, after a long holdout, the realities of being a
soccer parent resulted in their family buying a minivan. This
does not open the door for you to say that you’ve been recently
diagnosed with breast cancer. However, if the conversation
were taking place at the Race for the Cure, and you were
wearing a pink ribbon indicating that you were a cancer
survivor, it would be acceptable to discuss breast cancer. Your
choice of conversation material should be appropriate to the
occasion and to the depth of rapport and intimacy established.
I recently attended a luncheon where I was seated at one of
those round tables with seven people I had never met. We came
to a lull in the conversation that instantly made everyone
decide it was time to look at his or her pagers for messages. I
assumed the burden of conversation and jumped in with a story
about a vacation that my family had taken over spring break. I
said, We went on a Club Med vacation in Mexico last spring and
had a great time. It was so hassle-free I couldn’t believe it. Since
you pay a at fee for everything, I didn’t have to sh for money
every time the kids wanted a Coke. They just went and got it. It
seemed so eortless, and there were activities for all of us.
My vacation story accomplished three things that
rejuvenated the conversation. First, I told something about
myself, giving others the opportunity to feel more connected to
me. Increasing that comfort level stimulates conversation.
Second, I oered a new topic that gave material for the others to
use. Third, it gave my tablemates the chance to share their own
experiences. Our conversation sprang to life immediately, as
others jumped in with questions, stories, and vacation plans of
their own.
You aren’t limited to talking about events and experiences.
You can share feelings, opinions about books you’ve read,
restaurants you’ve visited, and movies you’ve seen. For
instance, I was at an awards banquet talking with a gentleman.
He said, I’m really nervous being here. My wife had to go away on
business so I’m here alone, and I don’t know anyone else. I talked
with him about how nervous I used to get at social functions.
That brief exchange helped calm him, and we went on to
converse at length about a variety of topics.
Speak No Evil
Barring exceptional circumstances, avoid these often-
controversial topics that can stop a conversation in its
tracks:
1. Stories of questionable taste
2. Gossip
3. Personal misfortunes, particularly current ones
4. How much things cost!
5. Controversial subjects when you don’t know where
people stand
6. Health (yours or theirs). The exception is when
you’re talking with a person who has an obvious new
cast, crutches, or bandage. In that situation, the
apparent temporary medical apparatus is free
information. If you skirt the issue, it’s a bit like having
an elephant in your living room and ignoring it.
While there is an innite list of acceptable conversation
topics at public venues, there is also a short list of subjects that
are generally o limits. If you are unsure about a subject’s
appropriateness and hesitate before bringing it up, it’s probably
better left unspoken. When unsure, I always invoke the old
math axiom my algebra teacher taught me: When in doubt, leave
it out. Avoid any area that is likely to oend your conversation
partner.
PLAYING FOURSQUARE
Keeping a conversation rolling is not unlike the old
playground game of foursquare. You must pass the ball among
all the players and keep the ball inbounds for play to continue.
This requires focusing on the ball at all times and passing it
around. Some of the people in your group may be reluctant to
receive the ball for the same reasons that you were—they’re shy,
feel like their lives are too ordinary, don’t enjoy the attention, et
cetera. It’s up to you to help them, or the game will fall apart.
One of the easiest ways to start or keep a conversation going
is to compliment another person. Finding something nice to say
about someone is usually not that dicult. Surely they have
something to like about them. Being forthright enough to tell
them what you admire about them makes an immediate
connection between the two of you. With connection comes its
etymological cousin, conversation. An authentic compliment
makes the other person feel good about both of you, and that
enhances the rapport, making conversation easier. The key is
that your compliment is genuine, so select something that you
can truly support. No matter what you choose, it will fall into
one of these three categories: appearance, possessions, or
behavior. Mark Twain once said that a good compliment lasted
him sixty days!
Prior to my wedding, I had a conversation with my good
friend Karen about all the arrangements. I told her that for a
period of time, I had been seeing two men—Ben and Steve. She
invited me to tell her about both of them. I said, Ben has a great
sense of humor. He’s the life of the party. He dresses like a million
bucks and has taken me on wonderful trips. We’ve been to Hilton
Head, Europe, and had a bunch of weekend mountain getaways.
He’s a great golfer and an all-around wonderful guy.
Karen could hardly contain herself, she was so excited. She
said, He sounds like a dream. I’m so happy that you’re marrying
him.
I’m not, I replied. I’m marrying Steve.
Karen was speechless. Finally, she collected herself and said,
Well Debra, Ben sounds like a prince. Why are you marrying Steve?
Because he makes me feel so special because of all the wonderful
things he says about me. And you know what? He means every one
of them!
The power in a sincere compliment is enormous. There is
nothing that makes people feel more special than to have their
ner traits noted and appreciated.
THE PERFECT COMPLIMENT
You can compliment someone on a new hairstyle, an item of
clothing, a piece of jewelry, or physical appearance. However,
not all compliments are created equal. A good compliment
acknowledges the object of admiration: That’s a nice sweater
you’re wearing, or What an unusual tie. An excellent, top-of-the-
line compliment goes beyond that to give conversation material
by expounding on why you like the item. For instance, you
might elaborate on the sweater by saying, I love your sweater.
That shade really enhances the color of your eyes. You can turn
your appreciation of a good-looking tie into a more powerful
compliment by saying, That’s a great tie. Its unusual design really
sets it apart, I always enjoy it when men make fashion statements
with their ties. Beware of complimenting appearance in the
workplace. In many instances it can be construed as a subtle
form of sexual harassment.
Perhaps you are with someone who has no fashion sense
whatsoever, and you have no appreciation for her taste in
clothing, makeup, or accessories. Fear not—you may do better
in complimenting her on a possession such as her home, an
elegant fountain pen, a new car, even a coee mug. A good
compliment would be: You have a lovely home. Turn that into
state-of-the-art attery by saying: Your home is lovely. I really
like all the photos you have—they personalize your home and give
it a lot of warmth. Instead of saying, This is a great cup of coee,
consider, I love the richness of Indonesian Sumatra, and this is a
great-size mug.
Last but not least, you can notice and compliment someone
else’s behavior. This is the best way to converse with kids.
Instead of noticing when they do something wrong, try
celebrating positive behavior. It’ll go a long way toward
furthering communication with them and deepening your
bond. Kids aren’t the only ones who appreciate compliments
regarding their behavior. Adults can really open up in the wake
of such acknowledgment.
I know a Realtor who took a couple house-hunting one
Sunday. She drove them all over town and probably showed
them over thirty houses. They went in and out of
neighborhoods in town, in the suburbs—the works. After six
hours, they had completely run out of things to say and still
hadn’t found a single house that the couple was remotely
considering. The Realtor was tired and just about out of ideas.
Then she said, I really admire that you know exactly what you
want. You’re not going to settle for something that you don’t want
and then possibly be unhappy with your choice later. That one
compliment got the couple charged up again and they were able
to nd a new topic of conversation to get them through the day,
although they didn’t locate their dream house that Sunday.
Other behavioral compliments include comments like:
• I appreciate how organized you are for our meetings.
It makes it easy to get the work done.
• It must have taken a lot of courage to change careers
during your peak of success. I really admire that.
• You have an amazing amount of determination. I
think it’s remarkable that you set aside time to
successfully train for a marathon. Congratulations.
• I know you are nervous about this procedure; it’s
great that you made yourself show up.
• You certainly look at the bright side of things; it is a
pleasure to work with you.
• You manage to run such an organized home, even
with four children!
Again, the ticket to a successful pat on the back is that you
oer it sincerely. You may nd that the person you are
complimenting has diculty receiving the praise. He may try to
neutralize the compliment by denying it or feel obligated to
return a compliment. If that happens, rearm your sincerity
and move on to another subject.
ADDING FORM AND
SUBSTANCE
Besides complimenting the other person, another way to
draw a reluctant speaker into the conversation is to toss her the
ball by asking a question. In addition to the icebreakers back in
Chapter 2, there are four categories of questions that are
eective in social situations. I use the acronym FORM to
remember them:
Family
Tell me about your family.
Does everyone live in the area?
What do you like best about being a
father/mother/son/aunt, etc.?
Occupation
What got you into your current job?
How did you come up with that idea?
What are some of the toughest challenges in your job?
If you could change one thing about your job, what would
it be?
How has the Internet impacted your business/industry?
Recreation
What do you do for tness?
What kinds of things does your family do for fun?
How do you spend your leisure time?
What’s been your favorite vacation?
Miscellaneous
Have you seen any good movies lately?
What do you think about ____________ [news event]?
Are you reading anything you really enjoy?
No matter what your chosen topic of conversation, I cannot
overstate the importance of being authentic when talking with
someone. If you are not genuinely interested in what the other
person is saying, no amount of planning or preparation will
save you from a doomed conversation. Interest in someone else
cannot be feigned. If you truly cannot muster any enthusiasm
for the dialogue, you owe it to your partner to excuse yourself
and make your way to another approachable person.
THE MARCH OF PROGRESS
You are well into this book. By now you’ve become familiar
with techniques to make you an excellent conversationalist. It’s
a good time to reect on how far you’ve come as you practice
these skills and identify the opportunities for improvement
that lay before you. Take the “Winning at Small Talk” quiz again
and see if you’ve made any improvement. Look yourself in the
mirror and respond with honest “yes” or “no” answers to the
following statements:
• I’m conscious of taking turns in conversations so that
I can nd out about others and help them get to know
me.
• I have joined or participated in at least one club or
group activity in order to develop new business or
social friendships.
• I have used my contacts to help at least two people
nd new jobs or hook up with potential customers
and clients. I have given information to someone for
other networking purposes.
• I go to at least two functions a month where I can
meet people in my profession/industry or potential
decision-makers.
• If another person is friendly to me, I nd it easy to be
friendly back. However, I don’t wait to make sure the
other person is friendly before I’m friendly in return.
• When someone asks What’s new?, instead of saying
Not much, I often talk about something exciting in my
life.
How did you do? If you’re like me, you probably still have
some work to do. It takes eort and practice to change habits. I
suggest that you write down one statement reecting what you
want to conquer. Focus on that one goal until you feel
comfortable, and then move on to the next. When you stay
focused, it won’t take long! A simple rule that garners great
rewards is to start conversations with a minimum of three new
people a week. In line at the grocery, waiting for a meeting to
begin, with your next-door neighbor. Comfort will come with
steady practice.
8
CONVERSATIONAL CLOUT
I do not suggest that you use aggressive conversation tactics;
however, I do propose that you use assertive, rather than
passive, language. Allow your conversation methods to convey
your core strength. How many times do we hear words come
out of our mouths that sound meek, apologetic, and hesitant?
When you oer to try to get back to you by tomorrow, you are
admitting that a rm expectation does not exist. The words we
select for conversation can convey messages we do not intend to
deliver. Has a member of the wait sta at a restaurant ever said
to you We can’t make substitutions, or a customer service
representative responded to your inquiry with If I can nd out
… ? As you will discover in this chapter, certain expressions and
statements, as well as questions, can lead the conversation
down an unintended path. Be aware when you use the
following examples and notice how you project yourself in the
course of conversation.
• When will that be ready? Put yourself in the driver’s seat.
Instead: Will you please have that ready for me by Tuesday?
• I’d hate to direct you to the wrong store. Hate to do what?
Hate to make a mistake?
Instead: I do not know what store to direct you to. Or, I
believe that you can nd that product at______
• I was going to say that property taxes seem high and I would
think that roses would require more sunshine than this space
provides. This qualies what you are about to say. Either
statement sounds cautious and timid.
Instead: I believe property taxes are high or From my
experience, roses require more sunshine than is provided in
this space.
• Can I interrupt you for a minute? Can I ask you a question?
You already have! If you are willing to interrupt someone
when they are engaged, just ask the question! But to be
polite, you could oer I’m sorry to interrupt … and then ask
your question.
• I’ll have to ask someone about that … Who are you? No
one?
Instead: I’ll be glad to check with accounting and get back to
you.
• I’ll be honest with you, I had a great time! Aren’t you
always honest? Are you qualifying this particular
statement over others you have made?
Instead: I had a great time!
• Can you spell your name for me? Most of us know how to
spell our names, we do not need to be asked rst if we
know how!
Instead: Please spell your name for me.
• If I can nd out … A low expectation is established when
you use the word if. Raise expectations. Instill condence.
Instead: I will look into this and get back to you one way or
the other.
• I’m only the … Everyone’s role or job is important. This is
demeaning to oneself. Dene the capabilities and
responsibilities in your area of expertise.
Instead: My responsibilities are focused on Web site
development. I will be glad to check with sales about your
order.
• I can’t meet with you this morning. This projects an
unwillingness to deliver the best possible outcome. Or it
projects a burden. In either case say what you can do, not
what you cannot.
Instead: I can be there by three this afternoon.
• I’ll try to get this back to you this week. The word try
conveys the underlying message that this is not
something that is dependable.
Instead: I’ll get to you no later than next week. Tell people
what you will do, not what you hope to do.
• I’ll have to … Another burden. I’ll have to check with my
husband or I’ll have to check with my secretary.
Instead: I’ll be glad to check with my husband and I’ll be glad
to speak to my secretary and get back to you.
• You’ll have to call me tomorrow. This is a busy time for me.
This sounds like a person giving orders and placing
another burden on my already heavy load! And I don’t like
to be bossed around.
Instead: You can call me tomorrow. That’s a better time for
me.
• I’m really not too sure. Yes, you are sure. You are sure you
don’t know!
Instead: I don’t know how to get to Colfax. Ask Jennifer. She
is good with directions.
• May I ask your name? Permission is not necessary to ask
someone’s name!
Instead: What is your name?
We are what we say, and the true window to our souls is our
words. Let your words bespeak the strength within.
9
CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS
I travel frequently, small talking my way across the country.
One of the biggest trends I’ve seen is an increase in “assault on a
conversation with a deadly weapon.” I’ve been victimized
myself a couple of times. You should know that these people are
armed and dangerous, and if they enter your dialogue, you are
at serious risk of witnessing the torturous murder of your
conversation. Stay on your toes; these people are cleverly
disguised. They can orchestrate several costume changes at a
single event and impersonate people in every profession. If you
sense danger, stay calm. Be on the lookout for these renegades.
One further cautionary note: Often, the worst oenders are
staring back at us from the mirror.
I’ve decided it’s time to get more aggressive in preventing
conversational crimes. I’ve investigated this phenomenon
extensively and have organized the killers into eight
classications. During the course of your own daily
conversation, try not to add your own name to the
Conversational Criminals Most Wanted list. Here are some
crime-ghting techniques to keep honest conversationalists
safe.
THE FBI AGENT
The FBI agent denitely does not have the national interest
at heart. He or she can be seen stalking casual conversations
and pulling people aside for interrogation. You will
immediately recognize their unmistakable modus operandi
because they re question after question at you, like a machine
gun in a jungle. What do you do for a living? Where are you from?
You married? Got any kids? Lived here long? How long have you
been on the job? What’s your mother’s maiden name?
Notice that the FBI agent relentlessly assaults his captive
with a barrage of questions. He leaves no opportunity for his
captive to oer a confession of any kind. The captive is not
allowed to expand, oer additional evidence, ask questions, or
even have a glass of water. Forget about making a phone call or
getting a lawyer. The captive is forced to give staccato answers
just to keep pace. He is held in custody at the whim of the
interrogator, who, when nished with the questioning,
unceremoniously dumps the captive and moves on to round up
another suspect.
The interrogatory method seldom works to anyone’s
satisfaction. The agent would be much more successful if he
asked open-ended questions requiring more extensive answers.
The detainee would cough up plenty of information eortlessly
if given the opportunity. The agent also makes the mistake of
settling for one- or two-word answers. Digging deeper could
have uncovered motives, alibis, opportunities, and background
information that would have proved quite helpful in the agent’s
quest for conversation had he asked appropriate, probing
questions. He misses a great opportunity to gain information by
not confessing something about himself rst, which might
have caused you to drop your guard and be more at ease,
turning the interrogation into a conversation.
The FBI agent is characterized by his exceptional
nervousness. Help this person out by taking control of the
conversational ball. Ask him an open-ended question. Follow up
—dig deeper and use verbal listening cues. For instance, ask
what he does for a living. Follow up with questions about what
that kind of job entails and how he got into it. Become the host
and attend to his comfort. This will allow you to slow down the
conversation. Eventually you’ll ease into a nice rhythm, a back-
and-forth volley with the conversational ball.
THE BRAGGART
This convict made his way onto the Most Wanted list by
executing a series of conversational mass murders in almost
every state. He frequently appears during periods of self-
disclosure. He will boast of his accomplishments, embellish the
truth, and brag about feats mighty and small in a very self-
aggrandizing manner. He usually makes no attempt to go
incognito, so arrogant is he. His goal is to gain status in the eyes
of those in attendance, so he welcomes an audience. The bigger
the group, the more bravado he feels. He has been known to kill
multiple conversations with a single appearance.
His trademark is that he will always relate all of his
accomplishments. He made a killing in the stock market. He’ll
tell how he outwitted the nancial experts by choosing a long
shot that paid o big. Of course, his son is the captain of the
baseball team, and pro scouts are recruiting the boy. He’ll spare
you no details. Perhaps he just bought a top-of-the-line gizmo.
He can’t imagine why everyone else doesn’t do the same. He
always has an “I’m king of the world” story to tell.
The braggart’s sister, Braggarita, is equally lethal, although
she prefers single encounters with people she knows. She
usually prefers to do her boasting in a more personal way. She
tends to speak conspiratorially to members of her inner circle.
She leaves it to them to spread the word of Braggarita’s
greatness to unknown parties. Braggarita never directly
discloses her greatness to strangers. She lets them nd out from
her coterie of condantes who are charged with telling others.
While strangers are not required to bow to Braggarita, it is
expected that they will be suitably impressed.
She will very quietly tell her inner circle about her new
designer kitchen and how much it cost. She’ll tell them about a
smashing vacation on the French Riviera that everyone else
must take. In fact, she’ll give you the name of her travel agent
just so you can replicate the trip.
The only hope of stopping a small talk murder orchestrated
by the braggart and Braggarita is to bring the conversation back
to more general topics, such as current events. You can also
refocus the conversation on your own life, telling about
something that you are currently doing. There is no point in
going toe-to-toe with either of them, because it is impossible to
directly stave o their boastfulness. Your only weapon is
redirecting the conversation.
CAN YOU TOP THIS? (THE ONE-
UPPER)
Members of this long-standing conversational crime family
are rst cousins to the braggart and his sister. These folks
generally come from a patriarchal lineage, as women have a
slightly dierent method to their murder. While the one-uppers
generally do not brag rst, they always top someone else’s story.
They seem to be completely unaware that they have oended
other small talkers by constantly trumping another person’s
story. Sometimes the one-uppers genuinely believe they are
showing compassion and demonstrating excellent listening
skills by topping another’s tale.
You know the scene. Your colleague Brian is looking for a
new job, and you inquire about how the search is progressing.
As soon as Brian oers an update, John launches into a tale
about his own diculties on the job, making it seem like
unemployment is preferable to his own job woes. Before you
know it, the group is talking all about what’s going on in the
industry, and Brian’s job search is lost in the shue. His
troubles aren’t acknowledged. No solutions are oered. No
sympathy is given. No encouraging words found him. Brian is
left feeling like no one really cares about his plight. While John
might have thought he was being supportive, he wasn’t. He
simply diverted attention away from Brian and onto himself.
Women are experts at topping another’s story, but their
approach is to match someone else’s. For instance, Rose talks
about relationship problems she’s having with Steven, and
Shelley commiserates by saying, Honey, I know just what you
mean. My Anthony had the nerve to … The woman who topped
the initial woman’s story didn’t really commiserate. She stole
the show. She took the spotlight o the other woman and put it
right on herself. She stopped the other woman in the middle of
her story.
A business friend, Vivian, recounted the following horror
story she and her beau witnessed at a swinging soiree in
Washington, D.C.: “Another couple attended with us. During the
reception, the wife—we’ll call her Cathy—commented that
another woman who was standing nearby had on the same
‘outt’ that she was wearing. As the woman approached, Cathy
struck up a conversation. Cathy commented on how they were
wearing the same gown (actually, the outts were similar but
not exactly the same). Anyway, Cathy then asked this woman,
whom she had just met, where she bought her outt. The
woman told her the name of a well-known, expensive store. I
could not believe the next words out of Cathy’s mouth. ‘Oh, I got
mine at a thrift shop for fteen dollars!’”
A particularly troublesome spot for women is talking about
their kids. Sometimes I have to ght myself to keep from
jumping in and telling my own kid tales when another woman
is telling a story about hers. Instead of enjoying the story she is
sharing, I can get sidetracked, because her story reminds me of
something similar that my kids did at that age. I get so excited
that I just want to jump right in there because I’m exhilarated
by the conversation. This is not a stalled conversation—this is
one in which everyone wants the ball! However, it’s very
deating to the person telling the original story. Her story is the
one that got the group so enthusiastic. It’s important to
acknowledge that and to enjoy such a great story. There’s no
need to rush to the next. It’s like hurrying through a glass of
ne wine—you miss most of the experience in the rush to
complete it!
Be aware of one of the most prevalent one-upping
statements circulating these days: Been there, done that. In one
very short sentence, the person uttering those four words is
saying that the story is old news, that there is nothing else to
say about that topic. It lets the other person know, in no
uncertain terms, that his experience is universal and he can
spare the rest of us the details of such a boring story. Crime
stoppers report that it is tough to topple the one-upper, who is
quite successful in crushing the conversation to death. Those
still standing usually attempt to regroup in a clandestine
fashion to prevent another crime.
Lindsay is a great person, but in her attempts to relate, she’s
sometimes guilty of being a one-upper. Too many times when
someone is sharing the details of an experience, she will
interrupt to say, essentially, Oh yes, that happened to me, too …
She confessed to me that her friend Judy was telling the story
about her vacation to South America. They were on the Amazon
River, when a huge scorpion bit a woman in their party. Lindsay
broke in: “I was on a river in Kansas once, and the daddy
longlegs were as big as your hat!” Judy patted her arm and said,
“Lindsay, this is my story.”
THE MONOPOLIZER
A master of disguise, the monopolizer has managed to
inltrate conversations across the country. Victims are shocked
to discover that even a very introverted and shy person can turn
out to be a monopolizer. The monopolizer can turn up
anywhere, even at the most exclusive of events. They strike
boldly, seizing the conversation in plain view of all. They can
enter any conversation and artfully gain control before a single
person can react. There is never any shortage of witnesses to
the monopolizer’s crimes; nevertheless, people are initially too
captivated to take action. The monopolizer takes the spotlight
through self-disclosure and retains it by continuing to “peel the
layers of the onion” without regard to whether anyone in the
group is feeling any discomfort.
Monopolizers feel justied: They believe they are performing
a community service by keeping the conversational ball rolling.
Usually shy people who nd that the spotlight is rather fun can
be the worst oenders. Instead of hogging the ball, the
monopolizer should pass it to someone else in the group. I have
a personal rule that I never talk for more than ve minutes
before passing the ball. Time can y when we are talking about
ourselves! No matter what the topic—how I lost sixty-ve
pounds, how I got into business, why my kids are so incredible
—the clock is ticking. When my ve minutes are up, I pass the
ball to someone else with an appropriate question or comment.
It’s not just our golng buddies or in-laws who are
monopolizers! Don’t get me started! (Another overworked
expression of our times.)
If you are alone with a monopolizer, you have several
options to salvage the situation. If you are with your boss, a
client, or your mother-in-law, it’s usually best to surrender and
give the gift of listening. Once in a while you can be successful
for brief interludes by changing the topic, using self-disclosure,
or asking a prepared question. However, it is impossible to make
a monopolizer stop. You can’t change another person. If your
career or your relationship with your extended family is on the
line, just surrender and consider it a random act of kindness.
There are occasions when you can successfully stop a
monopolizer. When you are approaching your saturation point,
throw out a white ag as a warning. Just like a race car driver
gets a white ag indicating time constraints, you must throw
one before you can legitimately stop a monopolizer in his
tracks. For example: You are in your oce, and your friend Gary
comes by to tell you about his golf game. When you are running
out of time, interest, or willpower, you throw a white ag by
saying, Wow, Gary. That’s an amazing round you shot. Before you
continue, I need to let you know that in a few minutes I have to get
back to preparing the budget. You have politely given Gary the
signal that you need to end the conversation shortly. Gary takes
another four minutes telling you of his exploits on the twelfth
and thirteenth holes. You can now wrap it up by saying, Well,
Gary, that’s really something. I have to take care of the budget right
now. Maybe we can catch up another time. You can now turn your
attention to your budget without worry. You were gracious and
obliging, and you gave fair warning that it was time to end the
chat.
If you are in a group of three or more, assume the role of host
and make an interception. Every year I get together to catch up
with some college friends for an evening. My friend Lori is
infamous for her legendary ability to monopolize the
conversation. Given my line of work, I feel obligated to help the
group and facilitate passing the ball. So I jump in after she’s had
more than her ve minutes on the oor and say, Lori, that’s a
great story about Adam’s hitting streak. Marilyn, what’s been
going on with your kids? Connecting Lori’s story about her son to
Marilyn’s kids lends continuity to the conversation while
diplomatically allowing someone else a chance to talk. As Uncle
Joe is going on endlessly about the life of an auditor, transition
the conversation to someone else. That sounds tough, Uncle Joe.
Cousin Larry, what’s going on for you at work?
Monopolizers have shown that they are candidates for
rehabilitation. They have been successful in restoring
conversational balance once they realize that talking
incessantly is not exactly a favor to everyone else.
Remember, as the host, your goal is not only to get the
monopolizer to yield the oor, it is to include others—especially
the quiet ones. Invite them into the dialogue with a question or
comment directed to them. Even when there isn’t a
monopolizer in the conversation, pass the ball to everyone.
THE INTERRUPTER
Beware the interrupter! This villain comes in all shapes,
sizes, and haircuts. I’ve often wondered if the interrupter was
prevented from ever nishing a sentence as a kid and is
retaliating against society. The interrupter is characterized by
high drive, determination to make her point, and a lack of
patience. I confess that I have done time as an interrupter. I was
convicted of interrupting my husband relentlessly. I was on
probation for a while, but after three strikes, I was in the joint.
My husband is very low-key, and my conviction caused him a
great deal of angst. He understood my temperament and was
torn about confronting me. But after I interrupted him one too
many times, he demanded justice.
Frequently, he would start to say something and provide
rationale for his point. If I didn’t agree, I’d jump right in without
letting him nish. I didn’t want to wait three minutes for him
to make his case. It was an eternity. Most interrupters are like
me. We interrupt because we think we know what you’re going
to say, so let’s not waste time. Or we know that you are wrong,
and we must hurry to point out the errors in your thinking.
However, having already gone through one divorce, I wasn’t
interested in destroying our near-perfect union with my short
attention span and lack of patience. I have since realized that
interruptions badly sabotage a good conversation, so now I
campaign against them. There are only three good reasons for
interrupting. The rst is that you need to exit immediately. The
second is that the topic of conversation is too uncomfortable to
bear, and you need to change the subject right away. And the
third is if you are in the company of a monopolizer who has
refused to oer you a natural break in the conversation for more
than ve minutes.
THE POOR SPORT
The poor sport has an unparalleled reputation for small talk
suicide. The poor sport will kill her own conversation by
refusing to play by the rules. A very cunning illusion artist, the
poor sport changes open-ended questions into closed-end
quips. Using smoke and mirrors, the poor sport always nds a
way to reduce a beautiful question into a simple one-word
answer. When asked What did you do this weekend? the poor
sport will reply with Nothing. The question left plenty of room
for the poor sport to select some aspect of the weekend for
conversation. Instead, she strangled the conversation by
withholding nourishment. The poor sport just doesn’t play well
with others. She ignores the rules, pouts as it suits her, and
quits the game without warning. At a cocktail party full of
strangers, she is approached by a gentleman who introduces
himself, and asks, And what do you do? Not wanting to play the
small talk game, she responds sarcastically with In the event of
what? A lazy retort that has become common these days is Back
at you! For instance, I love you, dear. Back at you! This is right up
there with the expression Ditto! as in I truly enjoy spending
quality time with you, which garners the lackluster reply Ditto.
This kind of noncommittal response cheats the person who rst
revealed his or her feelings.
Some poor sports simply have never been properly trained;
they don’t know how to ask open-ended questions themselves.
With an outreach program, some of them show promise. You
can help out a poor sport by answering a closed-ended question
as if it had been open-ended. For instance, if a poor sport asks,
How was your weekend? don’t just say, Great. What about yours?
Instead, teach by example. Oer, Great. We took the kids skiing
and it was a perfect day. The only glitch was that Mike took a bad
spill, but he’s okay now. You have helped out the poor sport
because you’ve given her lots of material with which she can
ask a related question to keep the conversation from a reaching
a quick demise. You’ve oered information about yourself that
can help bridge distance and create conversation. One
cautionary note: It is very easy to become the monopolizer in
the presence of a poor sport. Exercise restraint and keep tossing
the ball back to the other person. Oer information that will
contribute to the conversation, but don’t steal the show!
THE KNOW-IT-ALL
These nasty criminals will mow you down with arrogance
and condescension. They know everything, and they tell you so.
They just knew that the stock market was going to take a dive or
hit a high. In fact, they knew that the election would be close,
that the winter was going to be brutal, et cetera. There is just no
end to what they know. Since they know that they are always
right, they see no point in soliciting other opinions. They cut
them down without compunction. In seconds they can silence
an entire group because no one wants to risk humiliation at the
hands of the know-it-all. Watch out for the person who has
absolutely no interest in anyone’s opinions but his own.
Be careful if you aunt your opinions. Make sure others
realize you are only oering your personal opinion about what
works for you. There is one simple question that, when used
properly, prevents anyone from becoming a know-it-all. It is
this four-word query: What is your opinion?
THE ADVISER
The adviser always leaves her calling card at the scene of the
crime. She is readily identiable by her endless array of
solutions to everyone else’s problems. She’s a veritable Ann
Landers, Ms. Manners, Oracle at Delphi, and Dr. Ruth rolled into
one. There is nothing she can’t solve—even when you don’t
want solutions! She generously oers unsolicited advice
without charge.
Despite her generous nature, the adviser is a true outlaw. She
decimates a perfectly good chat by meddling. The truth is, most
people don’t want advice—they want empathy and compassion.
When the adviser rides in on her white horse to save the day,
she minimizes the very person she’s trying to rescue. She
presumes that in hearing a tiny snippet of another’s dilemma,
she has an intimate understanding of the problem and knows
the perfect solution. The adviser would do much better digging
deeper to learn more about the issue and oering support
instead of unsolicited solutions.
The adviser is very seductive because she is upbeat,
condent, and wants to help. That’s what makes her so wily. It
is easy to unwittingly emulate her. In fact, I just did my
impersonation of the adviser and was mortied once I realized
it! I was having lunch with my friend Bill, who recently received
a promotion to manager of a large sales territory for a medical
supply company. He was talking about the diculties with a
new sales rep: the guy’s sales were o, he wasn’t making
headway, he was discouraged, and so on. Well, I just chimed
right in with all the solutions for him. I said, I think the key to
success is sell, sell, sell. Visibility is everything. I just kept knocking
on doors till they started opening.
Bill didn’t need my advice; he needed my support. He just
wanted to talk about his diculties and share his thoughts. In
giving solutions, I wasn’t empathic. I was presumptuous. Bill
did not ask for advice. He wasn’t seeking my innite wisdom—
he wanted an attentive ear. Don’t make the same mistake. Give
the gift of listening and oer advice only when it’s solicited.
Advisers are everywhere. I had an encounter with one on the
ski slopes of Colorado. I was in Vail to teach a Small Talk
seminar to ski instructors. I decided to ignore my fear of heights
and take a ski lesson to better see how the instructors might
best use small talk. I was grouped with a family from Alabama
who had never even seen snow before. As the lesson progressed,
the instructor noticed how cautiously I was skiing—I was even
more reticent than the Alabamians! The instructor decided that
I must have had weak quad muscles. He showed me some
strengthening exercises to solve that problem.
The real problem was that the adviser/instructor diagnosed
the diculty without even consulting me. He had no idea that I
am an avid runner; my quad strength is ne, thank you very
much! It was my terror at standing at an altitude of over eleven
thousand feet that practically paralyzed me. Had the instructor
bothered to nd that out, he would have given me a much more
eective skiing lesson. Had he dug deeper, he would have
discovered that his premature analysis of my problem was
completely incorrect.
Physicians are among the most notorious advisers. They
frequently interrupt the patient and diagnose the problem
before the patient has a chance to tell the whole story.
Frequently, the patient doesn’t get to the heart of the matter
until the doctor has his hand on the doorknob, about to exit the
room. If the doctor would sit and listen to the patient
completely before rendering an opinion, the appointment
would be much more successful. Each would enjoy reduced
frustration and a better outcome!
Does the following conversation seem familiar?
Steve: How was your day?
Debra: I had a rough day.
Steve: What’s going on?
Debra: I have a mound of paperwork to complete for a
proposal, and I haven’t packed for my trip to Seattle
tomorrow. I am really behind.
Steve: Haven’t I told you a million times, Deb? If you
would just work smarter instead of harder. You should
let your assistant prepare the proposals, and why
didn’t you pack over the weekend instead of waiting
till the last minute? You should plan better.
Debra: First of all, if it weren’t for the last minute,
nothing would get done. Second of all, when I start
telling you how to work on people’s teeth, then you
can start telling me how to run my business!
I am picking on my husband. But I can be equally as bad or
even worse:
Debra: Good morning, Steve. How did you sleep?
Steve: I had a terrible night. Couldn’t get to sleep for
the longest time and then tossed and turned.
Debra: Steve, why don’t you try exercising or reading a
book to relax?
There I go oering unsolicited advice. All my husband
wanted was a response like:
Debra: Oh Steve, that must so be frustrating.
Acknowledge that what has been said is important.
Providing unsolicited advice is not welcome in almost any
situation.
A CRIME-FREE CONVERSATION
These eight criminals can bleed the life right out of any
conversation. Sure, there are criminal lookalikes, too. Most of
those folks are petty criminals specializing in misdemeanors
that can hurt a good gab session but can’t kill it. You have the
skills to deal with these kinds of infractions. However, when
you recognize one of the Most Wanted, exercise extreme
caution. Even the most vigilant conversationalist can still get
ambushed. You can even take down your own conversation,
because the truth is, we each have a rap sheet. I’m a chronic
interrupter when I don’t police myself. Chances are that unless
you are impersonating Mother Teresa, you have a
conversational weakness that could land you on the Most
Wanted list if you’re not careful. Be on the lookout for your own
criminal activity, for you may be aiding and abetting the
murder of a good conversation.
Even if you take the high road and have a clean
conversational record, you never know when you’ll nd
yourself with a convicted felon on the loose slaughtering
perfectly good small talk. Sometimes there’s nothing that can be
done except to preserve your own safety with a quick getaway.
Knowing that, it behooves you to have several escape routes
planned so you can exit in a hurry if need be. Fear not—I
wouldn’t leave you in harm’s way. Your escape hatch is waiting.
10
THE GRACEFUL EXIT
Whether you are trying to escape a convicted conversation
killer or just want to circulate more, there are ways to artfully
exit a conversation that leave the other person’s ego intact. I nd
that many people remain in a conversation longer than they
should for two reasons: they feel trapped, especially if it’s just a
two-person dialogue, or they are so comfortable that they don’t
want to leave. Comfort begets complacency. Why would I risk
rejection with a stranger when I can stay here with you and talk
sports? If you are at a party or an industry meeting and your
goal is to meet people, you must nd the courage to leave a
conversation in order to accomplish your goals. Done properly,
an authentic farewell will actually enhance your relationship.
When you prepare to depart a conversation, recall why you
originally connected with your conversation partner and bring
the conversation back to that topic. Doing so will allow you to
make a meaningful connection and then take your leave easily.
For instance, I was at an open house thrown by a large
corporation. Before I left my conversation partner, I said, Tom,
it’s been wonderful talking with you about the changes impacting
the health-care industry. I need to catch up with another client
before she leaves. Thanks for sharing your expertise. Tom returned
the compliment, we shook hands, and I headed to my client
while Tom went in another direction.
Notice that I didn’t make excuses for my leaving. I didn’t say
I had to call the babysitter or that I needed to return a page.
That well-known adage “honesty is the best policy” is really
true. It’s important to retain your poise and state your reason
for departing courteously. Even if you despised the
conversation and are chomping at the bit to leave, be tactful as
you go. Here are some diplomatic ways to make your exit:
Exit Lines
• I need to go see the exhibits.
• I want to go talk to the speaker.
• I’m going to circulate and meet some of the new
members.
• I want to see if there are any other people from my
industry here today.
• I must speak with the membership chairperson
before she leaves.
• I promised myself that I’d meet three new people
before I leave this evening.
• I want to meet some other potential clients this
morning.
• I want to get around and say hello to everyone at
this meeting/party.
These exit lines are successful because they put the focus
directly on you. You clearly state that the reason you are leaving
the conversation is that you need to do something. There is no
mistaking the fact that you have a specic agenda that you are
trying to accomplish. By highlighting your own goals, you take
the burden o your conversation partner. Your small-talking
associate now knows that your need to move on has nothing to
do with the quality of time you just spent with that person. Or
you can borrow the late George Plimpton’s strategy for
departure from bores at parties. Plimpton said he always carried
two drinks. If he found himself talking to someone he wished to
escape, he politely excused himself by saying he had to deliver
the other drink.
The cardinal rule of the exit is that when you depart, you do
what you said you were going to do. If you said good-bye to
Joanne by telling her that you were going to see the exhibits, go
do it. If you allow yourself to get sidetracked en route to your
new destination, you run the risk of insulting your former
partner. For instance, if Vince stops you on your way to the
exhibits, do not stay and talk! Instead, say, Vince, it’s good to see
you. I was just on my way to the exhibits. Would you like to join me
or can I catch up with you afterward? If you make the mistake of
getting immersed in a conversation with Vince, all Joanne sees
is that you didn’t go to the exhibits. She now presumes that you
were never headed there, and that your true goal was just to end
the conversation. You now have a tarnished reputation, an
upset person, and other possible unintended consequences.
Don’t burn a bridge by failing to get to your next destination!
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
Staying focused on your own agenda will make your small
talking much more productive than if you are just casually
mingling with whoever walks through the door. You will have
questions prepared and a cast of characters in mind that you’d
like to meet. Keeping track of your own progress toward
accomplishing your objectives will help you gain the
motivation to exit one conversation and get involved in another.
It also provides you with a number of getaway lines.
You can invoke your partner’s help in exiting by getting a
referral or asking for business. For instance, you’ve been talking
to Shelly for about fteen minutes and you need to see some
other people before the cocktail party ends. Shelly can actually
help you do that if you let her. You say, Shelly, I’ve been having
trouble with the graphics package on my Mac at home. Do you
know anyone here who uses this program on a PC? Shelly will
either give you a lead to the appropriate person, or she’ll say she
doesn’t know anyone with that program. Either way, you’ve
created a clean break. If Shelly can’t help you, you simply thank
her, tell her that you really need to nd someone, and say good-
bye. It’s that easy. Don’t invent a problem just to end a
conversation. Mentally check your agenda and ask for a referral
to someone connected to forwarding your goals.
Suppose you want to nd a prospective client or a new job
for yourself. If you came to the party with that agenda, you
need to verbalize it to accomplish it. You can do this easily
without putting your conversation partner on the spot. You
simply say, Patrick, do you know anyone who might have some
ideas about where I could nd an engineering job? A question such
as this nets you a couple of good results. First, it lets the other
party know in a very unobtrusive way that you are in the job
market. Patrick just might be able to help you. The second
accomplishment is that you’ve opened up channels with other
people. Patrick may say, I’m sorry I can’t help you with that,
Debra, but Jim, over there by the bar, is an engineer. He probably
has some ideas for you. You can graciously leave the conversation
and head over toward someone who may be able to assist you
with your goal. You easily introduce yourself to Jim saying, I
was just talking with Patrick, and he told me that you’re an
engineer. You have an introduction and a topic of conversation
with no eort or angst. You may even get a new job out of the
deal!
Don’t hesitate to ask for business or referrals as you take
your leave from a conversation. Every person at a business
meeting has an agenda—and virtually everyone there is seeking
new business. There is no shortage of ways to ask for referrals
or business. Here are some methods to take care of business; try
some out and tailor a couple to t your personality:
Business: Ask for Referrals
• Can you recommend anyone who needs a
______; I’d appreciate the referral.
• Can you suggest anyone with whom I could speak
about ______?
• Who do you know that might be able to help me
with ______?
• I had hoped to meet someone who is interested in
______. Do you know anyone like that?
• Who else here could I speak to about joining the
______ committee?
These techniques are not unique to business situations. You
can easily adapt them to social events, as well. Here are some
examples:
Social: Ask for Referrals
• I’d like to find someone who’s interested in hiking or
who has info on hiking groups. Do you know whether
anyone here can help me?
• Do you know anyone here who’s also new to this
area?
• I’m going to look for someone interested in
volunteer activities.
• Who do you know that might enjoy watching the
New York Giants game this Monday night?
THE CHANGING OF THE GUARD
A time-honored tradition of leaving a conversation is
executing the changing of the guard. When a new person enters
the group and begins talking to one or two people, one or more
other people bow out. It is a quick and easy escape used by
people all the time. The downside of this technique is that it
only facilitates an exit, but if you are just looking for the nearest
emergency exit, this is your ticket.
A slight variation on the theme is to take your conversation
partner with you as you exit. This can be done even when it’s
just the two of you talking. You introduce your conversational
party to someone who can render assistance to him. This
transition is easily made with statements like these:
Ask Them to Join You
• I’d like to introduce you to an associate of mine
who’s in your field. Let’s see if she’s around.
• Matt is a great guy with an interesting history. I’d
like to introduce you two.
• Let’s go meet the speaker.
• I see my friend Jennifer is here. Let’s go say hi.
• Let’s circulate. I promised myself I’d meet some
new people.
• Let’s go get some dinner.
Issuing an invitation for your partner to join you on your
way to another destination is a very gracious and considerate
way to exit. You are still focused on your own agenda, but you
haven’t left your associate high and dry. Reverse the situation
and think about the other person inviting you to join her. It’s a
perfect opportunity to get introduced to another person, or you
can gracefully decline, feeling positive about the oer.
A LITTLE APPRECIATION GOES
A LONG WAY
Ending a conversation by showing appreciation for the
interchange provides an upbeat way to leave on a positive note.
Thanking others for their time, expertise, or the sheer joy of the
conversation is always welcome. You emanate poise and self-
condence when you bid adieu by expressing your gratitude
and praising your partner in some way. This is accomplished in
much the same way as using a compliment to forward a
conversation, and the same rule applies: Be genuine. Done
sincerely, oering gratitude will produce a wave of goodwill and
a positive association with your name. Appreciation is a
compliment with closure. You’ve ended the conversation on a
personalized note, and both you and your partner separate
feeling good about each other. Some ways to do this are shown
here.
Show Appreciation
• It was wonderful to see you and hear about the
convention.
• I’ve really enjoyed talking with you about your new
business.
• I appreciate your willingness to share your
expertise.
• Thank you for the delightful conversation.
• I’m so glad you introduced me to the subject of
______. It’s very interesting.
• It’s nice to meet someone involved in ______.
• It was so thoughtful of you to introduce me to
______. Thanks.
• I appreciate your effort to include me in the
conversation. It’s tough being new, and you made it
easier for me.
Remember to end the conversation the same way you began
it—with a smile and a handshake. Even if you have to get up
and walk around the table to do this, make sure you do. You
make a lasting impression when you seal a conversation with a
handshake. Just that eeting hand-to-hand moment enhances
the rapport you’ve worked hard to establish. Melting away into
the crowd discredits your integrity and your intentions. The
end of the conversation represents the last opportunity to
establish a connection with someone. Capitalize on it with a
vengeance!
PARTING IS SUCH SWEET
SORROW
If you’ve met someone with whom you’d like to further a
relationship, the best way to exit is to ask to see him again.
Assume the burden of issuing the invitation. If you are female,
do not think that you have to wait for the male to extend the
oer—whether it’s a business or social engagement. If you are
single and looking for ideas on how to issue invitations, please
refer to Chapter 13, “Surviving the Singles Scene.” This is about
using small talk successfully to accomplish your goals. If your
goal was to meet a new person and cultivate a relationship, then
do so. Gender is immaterial.
Muster your moxie and just do it. Sure, you’ll feel a bit out of
your comfort zone, but the only way to pick the fruit is to get
out on a limb. Realize that if you get turned down, it’s not a
statement about you—the other person doesn’t know you well
enough to draw any conclusions about you. Remember my
friend Rex … his shyness was the reason he didn’t invite me to
sit with him. If someone turns you down, you can’t possibly
know the reason unless it is oered. Here are some ways to
invite the other person to continue the relationship:
Issue an Invitation
• I don’t want to monopolize your time this evening.
Can we arrange to meet later?
• Will I see you at the next meeting?
• I’ll be thinking of you during your ______. May I
call you when you get back?
• I’d enjoy spending some time with you. Can I phone
you to set up a convenient time?
• I’ll drop off that article we discussed at your office
next week. I’ll phone you and schedule a time.
• I’d like to rehash what we did in class tonight.
Would you like to join me for a cup of coffee?
• I enjoyed working out with you. Do you want to
meet next week and do it again?
• I hope we can do business together soon. May I call
you in the coming days to determine your level of
interest?
Before you leave a conversation, have a clear destination in
mind. You don’t necessarily need to head to another
conversation. Feel free to get something to eat, get a fresh
beverage, call the sitter and check on the kids, use the restroom,
or even take a stroll around the room. Movement attracts
attention, so make sure that you don’t look lost. If your former
conversation partner perceives that you’re wandering around
aimlessly, he’s likely to feel insulted that you prefer your own
company to his.
Because the manner in which you exit a conversation leaves
a lasting impression, you want to develop nesse with graceful
departures. There is nothing mysterious about these
techniques, no rocket science required. They are commonsense
tips, but they are not common practice. Practice frequently
until you can comfortably disengage yourself from
conversations using a variety of methods. Acquiring this skill
will undoubtedly improve your overall condence and
presence. That enhanced poise will, in turn, make you an ever-
more-inviting conversation partner.
11
THE CONVERSATIONAL BALL IS IN YOUR
COURT!
Here’s a cheat sheet full of tips to review before any event,
occasion, interview, or date. Always take the risk and assume
the burden. Check out the following, go to whatever meeting,
luncheon, or party awaits and seize the day!
Fifty Ways to Fuel a Conversation
1. Be the first to say hello.
2. Introduce yourself to others.
3. Take risks and anticipate success.
4. Remember your sense of humor.
5. Practice different ways of starting a conversation.
6. Make an extra effort to remember people’s names.
7. Ask a person’s name if you’ve forgotten it.
8. Show curiosity and sincere interest in finding out
about others.
9. Tell others about the important events in your life.
Don’t wait for them to draw it out.
10. Demonstrate that you are listening by restating
their comments in another way.
11. Communicate enthusiasm and excitement about
your subjects and life in general.
12. Go out of your way to try to meet new people
wherever you are.
13. Accept a person’s right to be an individual with
different ideas and beliefs.
14. Let the natural person in you come out when
talking with others.
15. Be able to succinctly tell others—in a few short
sentences—what you do.
16. Reintroduce yourself to someone who is likely to
have forgotten your name.
17. Be ready to tell others something interesting or
challenging about what you do.
18. Be aware of open and closed body language.
19. Smile, make eye contact, offer a handshake, and
go find the approachable person.
20. Greet people that you see regularly.
21. Seek common interests, goals, and experiences
with the people you meet.
22. Make an effort to help people if you can.
23. Let others play the expert.
24. Be open to answering common ritualistic
questions.
25. Be enthusiastic about other people’s interests.
26. See that the time is balanced between giving
and receiving information.
27. Be able to speak about a variety of topics and
subjects.
28. Keep up to date on current events and issues
that affect our lives.
29. Be willing to express your feelings, opinions, and
emotions to others.
30. Use “I” when you speak about your own feelings
and personal things, rather than “you.”
31. Visually show others that you are enjoying your
conversation with them.
32. Be ready to issue invitations to others to join you
for other events/activities to further the relationship.
33. Find ways to keep in touch with friends and
acquaintances you meet.
34. Seek out others’ opinions.
35. Look for the positive in those you meet.
36. Start and end your conversations with the
person’s name and a handshake or warm greeting.
37. Take the time to be friendly with your neighbors
and coworkers.
38. Let others know that you would like to get to know
them better.
39. Ask others about things that they have told you
in previous conversations.
40. Listen carefully for free information.
41. Be ready to ask open-ended questions to learn
more.
42. Change the topic of conversation when it has run
its course.
43. Always search for the things that really get
another excited.
44. Compliment others about what they are wearing,
doing, or saying.
45. Encourage others to talk to you by sending out
positive signals.
46. Make an effort to see and talk to people you
enjoy.
47. When you tell a story, present the main point first
and then add the supporting details.
48. Include everyone in the group in conversation
whenever possible.
49. Look for signs of boredom or lack of interest from
your listener.
50. Prepare ahead of time for each social or
business function.
12
MAKE THE MOST OF NETWORKING EVENTS!
Learn how to make the most of meetings, interviews, and
networking events and come across as composed and self-
assured when entertaining clients at conventions, trade shows,
and other work-related functions.
Do you dread receptions, banquets, and other business-
related social events? Does attending another open house make
you want to run inside your own and lock the door? You’re not
alone. Many of us are apprehensive about these situations,
because most of us either hate entering rooms where we don’t
know anyone or hate spending time with people we don’t know
well. Keeping a conversation going during such occasions is an
ordeal.
But for business professionals, these occasions represent
opportunities to develop business friendships and broaden our
networks. Whether you realize it or not, networking happens all
the time.
During an awkward social gathering, demanding sales
presentation, or a tough interview, small talk can turn a
challenging situation into a success. Small talk connects us,
whether the setting is business or social.
Everyone learns the technical skills required for their jobs,
but not everyone places importance on conversational skills.
The ability to talk easily with anyone is a learned skill, not a
personality trait. Acquiring it will help you develop rapport
with people and leave a positive impression that lasts longer
than an exchange of business cards.
Here are a few tips business professionals can use to improve
their small talk skills:
• Be the rst to say hello!
• Introduce yourself. Act as if you’re the host and
introduce new arrivals to your conversation partner or
partners.
• Smile rst and always shake hands when you meet
someone.
• Take your time during introductions! Make an extra
eort to remember names, and use them frequently in
the conversation.
• Maintain eye contact in any conversation. Many
people in a group of three or more look around in the
hope that others will maintain eye contact on their
behalf. Yet people don’t feel listened to if you’re not
looking at them.
• Get somebody to talk about why they’re attending
the event. You are now on your way to engaging them
in conversation.
• Show an interest in every person. The more interest
you show, the more wise and attractive you become to
others.
• Listen carefully for information that can keep the
conversation going.
• Remember, people want to be with people who
make them feel special, not people who are “special.”
Take responsibility to help people you talk to feel as if
they’re the only person in the room.
• Play the conversation game. When someone asks
How’s business? or What’s going on? answer with more
than Not much. Tell more about yourself so that others
can learn more about you.
• Be careful with business acquaintances. You
wouldn’t want to open a conversation with: How’s your
job at______? What if that person just got red or laid
o? Be careful when you’re asking about an
acquaintance’s spouse or special friend; you could
regret it.
• Don’t act like you’re an FBI agent. Questions like
What do you do?, Are you married?, Do you have
children?, and Where are you from? lead to dead-end
conversations.
• Be aware of body language. Nervous or ill-at-ease
people make others uncomfortable. Act condent and
comfortable, even when you’re not.
• Be prepared. Spend a few minutes before an
anticipated event preparing to talk easily about three
topics. They will come in handy when you nd
yourself in the middle of an awkward moment … or
while seated at a table of eight where everyone is
playing with their food.
• Show an interest in your conversation partner’s
opinion, too. You’re not the only person who has
opinions about funding the space program or what
will happen to the stock market.
• Stop conversation monopolists in their tracks. If
possible, wait for the person to take a breath or to
pause, then break in with a comment about their
topic. Immediately redirect the conversation in the
direction you wish it to go.
• Be prepared with exit lines. You need to move
around and meet others.
• Don’t melt from conversations. Make a positive
impression by shaking hands and saying good-bye as
you leave.
Every encounter involves risk. As long as you keep looking
for new people to meet and you show an interest in other
people, you can make friends and enjoy lively conversations.
13
SURVIVING THE SINGLES SCENE
You enter a roomful of people. All of them seem to be happily
engaged in conversation with someone else. You start to worry
that others are going to judge you and nd you lacking. You
steel yourself for rejection. You almost turn and decide it’s not
worth it to attend this event.
You may be suering from “social anxiety disorder.” But
chances are you’re just attending a singles event and feeling the
natural anxiety of putting yourself out there and making
yourself vulnerable.
Probably the scariest social scene is one in which you are
there specically to meet other people. You don’t have the
purpose of networking to prop you up. You are simply there to
connect with others. And for some strange reason in our
society, that takes courage to admit.
Most of my single friends admit to me that they hate the
dating scene. My sister Elisabeth, a researcher at Harvard, says,
Dating? What’s that? My single fortyish friends and I have all
decided we’re far too busy to date!
But one friend, Suzanne, has been divorced for eight years
and has little desire to change her circumstances. She’d be
ecstatic to nd the perfect man, but she refuses to settle for
someone who’s not right for her. She’d rather stay single and
continue to play the eld. To her, it’s actually fun!
There are so many dierent situations that call for small talk
in the singles scene that it’s dicult to give one-size-ts-all
advice. Are you in your twenties or your fties? Do you prefer
going to a bar or to an organized event? Are you a man or a
woman, the indoor or outdoor type? But one piece of advice will
cover all situations: Don’t think of what you’re doing as
“singles” socializing. Just think of it as networking. You have
something to oer others, and they have something to oer
you: connection to humanity.
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!
One of the most daunting aspects of singles socializing is
making your entrance—actually walking in to where the action
is taking place. It’s important to understand that you don’t have
to make small talk immediately upon entering. Suzanne says
she always takes a deep breath before she enters the room and
visualizes pulling all her energy into her core, so that she’s not
sending out any “feelers” when she makes her entrance. She’s
literally pulling herself together!
Stand in the doorway and survey the scene. This
accomplishes two things: You get a moment to stabilize yourself
and get your bearings, and you are framing yourself for
everyone to see; they will perceive you as a self-condent
person and unconsciously hope for the chance to speak with
you. Self-condence is probably the single most powerful
magnet, right after good looks.
But after you walk into the room, pretend you’re invisible.
No one sees you, so you have no need to feel uncomfortable or
insecure. Everyone else in the room is either too occupied with
their own activity or conversation or else completely absorbed
in their own feelings of uncertainty. You can wander around
the room looking for food or drink and simply adapt yourself to
the environment. Now is a good time to soak up the scene:
Who’s here? How does the crowd feel? Are people having a good
time or is there a lot of tension? Look around. Who seems
approachable?
As you make your observations, your thoughts will turn into
words, which you can then share as you approach others or they
approach you. It’s always easiest to break the ice with a few
observations about the situation, rather than asking for
personal information. Normally, if you make an innocuous
observation, the person on the other end will respond with
their impressions. It’s sometimes eective to start small talking
with a person of the same gender; it’s less threatening and will
get you over your stage fright. Plus you never know, they might
introduce you to someone really interesting!
Icebreakers for Singles
• I’ve been here before, but it’s never been so
crowded.
• Which way to the food (bar)?
• I know exactly zero people here. How about you?
• This food looks like it’s pretty tasty.
• It looks like there are a lot of interesting people
here. Do you know any of them?
• Would you please hand me a napkin?
• Friday afternoons are a great time for this kind of
thing. Something to look forward to at the end of the
week.
• I never know what to say at these affairs, but I
would like to meet you.
FIND THE CONNECTION
While Suzanne says she loves playing the eld, most people
hope to nd that special person with whom they can honestly
connect. Think about the words connection and relationship. To
“connect” or “relate” means to nd commonality with another
human being. You can begin looking for these connections as
soon as you engage a stranger in small talk by oering
something about yourself and by asking questions of the other
person. Keep in mind that when someone responds to your
comment or answers your question they usually give you more
fodder for small talk.
Connectors
• You look totally at ease. I wish I could feel the same
way you do.
• That’s a great outfit (pair of shoes, bracelet,
necktie). I love fashion (good taste, jewelry).
• I almost stayed home to read a book instead of
coming here.
• I’d rather be watching basketball, but this is fun,
too.
• I’ve never attended one of these events before.
What’s your experience with this organization?
• How did you hear about this event?
• This is an interesting organization. Have you tried
any of their outdoor events, like hiking or bicycling?
FOLLOW UP ON THE
CONNECTION
Consider the following approach when you ask a question or
a question is asked of you. Think about how you will comment
on whatever is said by your conversation partner. Here’s an
example:
You: How often do you go out?
Her: Almost every night.
As she’s responding, think about how to comment on what
she’s saying, rather than on your next question. This exercise
does wonders to sharpen your listening skills.
You: Now that sounds like a lot of work!
Comment on her response rather than asking a predictable
follow-up question like Where do you like to go? It takes a higher
level of listening to make a follow-up comment than it does to
ask a follow-up question. If you had a follow-up question in
mind that you were tempted to use but did not, then you are on
the right path. Although you didn’t follow with a question, it
doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have had one at the ready. As a
general rule, always formulate at least one follow-up question
and keep it in your head even if you may not use it.
Instead of a witty or humorous follow-up comment, another
option is to follow up with a disclosure. Let’s see how this
works:
You: How often do you go out?
Her: Almost every night.
You: Really? I used to be able to do that!
This time, a statement of self-disclosure rather than a
comment keeps the connection going.
It’s also helpful to have relevant follow-up questions in
mind. Most of the time follow-up comments and disclosures
will act as “prompters.” They’ll usually prompt the other person
to speak or to ask you questions. Let’s revisit the example:
You: How often do you go out?
Her: Almost every night.
You: Now that sounds like a lot of work!
(In this case the follow-up comment will act as a
prompter.)
Her (laughing): Yeah, I know, it’s like a full-time job!
When you comment on someone’s response, they will be
prompted to say something in return. Use it as connecting fuel.
What do you do when there is not a response to the follow-
up comment or disclosure? Use one of the follow-up questions
that you formulated and patiently kept around in your head.
Let’s go back to the example we’ve been working with:
You: How often do you go out?
Her: Almost every night.
You: Now that sounds like a lot of work!
Her: (laughs but no response)
You: Where do you like to go?
Here was a follow-up question that was relevant to the
original question (How often do you go out?) and her response to
it (Almost every night). Other potential questions could have
been, Where do you get all that energy? or How do you make so
much time?
Once you get into the habit of making follow-up comments
and disclosures, adding in follow-up questions is a cinch. With
creative usage of these three elements (questions, follow-up
comments, follow-up questions), the possibilities and
variations in conversation are virtually limitless. As long as you
stay focused on the conversation, you can keep it going.
ASKING FOR THAT DATE
Now that you have successfully small talked your way
through the singles scene, you have a range of potential date
mates. But actually asking for a date—putting your ego on the
line and risking rejection—moves you to a whole dierent level.
While Suzanne never calls a man for a date, Linda is adamant:
“Why shouldn’t I be able to choose whom I’d like to go out with?
Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean I should just wait for
some random person to choose me.” She makes sure she’s ready
with the small talk whenever she phones a man for a date: “First
I reconnect how we met. I refresh his memory about a couple of
incidents at the event. I tell him how much I enjoyed our
conversation there and mention that it would be fun to resume
it over coee or lunch. As assertive as I am, I never ask a man
out for dinner on the rst date. It seems less threatening—both
to me and to him—to suggest something more casual.”
My friend Bob oers this advice: “Have some date ideas in
mind before you pick up the phone. I will call a woman and say
something like, ‘There’s a wine tasting at Hudson Gardens on
Thursday night. I was thinking we could go to that early in the
evening and then maybe take a walk along the river. Or we
could get some dinner somewhere near the gardens.’ ” Note that
he doesn’t call the person he’s interested in and say What are
you doing Saturday night?, which would oer her the perfect
opportunity to answer, Washing my hair. Invitations like Would
you like to get together sometime? are too vague. Be specic in
order to receive a direct answer.
Bob’s approach is to oer his potential date something
specic for them to do together and, by the way, something that
sounds like fun. At least for the rst few dates, try to think of
ideas that would appeal to your date rather than choosing
something you’d like to do. Don’t think that just because you
like to go to the races, she will, too, although many more
women are into sports than they were, say, twenty years ago.
And women, don’t assume that any man likes to go shopping. I
personally know only one man, either single or married, who
thinks shopping would be a fun date.
The best dating advice I’ve heard lately is from a man who
never asks for a date the rst time he calls or e-mails. He
exercises patience and waits until the second or third contact.
Even then, he tries to suggest something that he might do with
any friend, like a bike ride or a gallery tour. This approach takes
a little longer, but it builds real trust and aection before
moving on to the heavier stu. In the long run, he probably gets
farther faster and with a more satisfying outcome. Another
piece of advice oered by my eighteen-year-old son that makes
sense: Don’t plan a movie/theater date for the rst few dates.
Interaction is key to getting to know each other.
Try to empathize with the person who’s doing the calling.
Courage is required of anyone asking for a date. When asked:
Friday or Saturday night? or What are you up for—a movie or
some dancing? please do not answer with: Whatever. A Whatever
response indicates one of two things, neither one of them
positive: You either don’t care about this person or the
conversation, or you don’t know what you want. A cheerful
comeback: Saturday night sounds great or I’d be happy to go
dancing with you either night is appropriate.
ON THE DATE
People like to feel good about themselves. Dating is the
perfect opportunity to do that for someone else. Make them feel
like they’re attractive and interesting. Focus on your date rather
than worrying about what he or she is thinking of you.
My friend Janie e-mailed me this story: “I asked my date
questions for two straight hours (he was very self-absorbed and
asked zilch about me). And then there was silence, so I said to
him: ‘Okay, now you ask me some questions.’ He thought a
minute and then said, ‘So how am I doing?’ Denitely not a
keeper.”
Another friend tells the story about a guy she dated who was
intensely connected with her as long as he was doing the
talking. But as soon as she took her turn, his eyes would wander
all around the room. She had listened politely and actively, and
now he was sending her the message that she was boring him.
She watched it happen for the last time when they went to
dinner at an outdoor café. He was able to ignore all the beautiful
women walking past—as long as he was doing the talking. But
when her turn came, he would look beyond her, over her,
anywhere but at her, in order to glimpse some attractive
woman. My friend was hurt and oended. She got up and left,
telling him, “You don’t need me here. You can just talk to
yourself and keep company with all the beautiful women
walking by.”
Calling-for-the-Date Small Talk
• It was great to meet you at ______. I hope you
had as good a time as I did.
• Hey, I wanted to add something to our
conversation the other night …
• You mentioned ______. Do you have any idea
where I can find one?
• I really enjoyed our conversation about ______,
and felt like we kind of connected on that issue/
topic. Would you like to go for coffee this weekend so
we can continue the discussion?
• You mentioned to me that you like contemporary
art. The art museum has a ______ exhibition until
next month. Would sometime in the evening this
week work for you?
• I remember you said that you were a fan of
______. I enjoy him, too. Do you want to go see his
latest film sometime over the weekend?
We all have stories we like to share, but of course since
they’re ours, we’ve heard them all before. So dating is a great
opportunity to hear someone else’s stories. Listen to them
actively and empathetically—and even share some of your own
when it’s appropriate—but don’t kill the conversation with
domination. Listening is a great way to nd out if there’s
something worth pursuing in that person sitting across from
you.
Just a couple more words of advice: Be patient. You don’t
have to have it all in one date. Give yourself a chance to bond
with this person instead of trying to nd out everything about
them in this one encounter and then making a snap decision
about whether or not you want to see them again. And keep
your sense of humor. Don’t tell jokes (unless you’re great at it),
but allow yourself to be funny. As Larry King says, “Never stay
too serious too long.”
DATING WISDOM
Over the years, many of my readers and workshop attendees
have shared their stories with me. Allow me to pass some of
them on to you.
Leave your cell phone in the car. Paul gave up on
dating but not before he had this experience to relate: “I
was meeting someone for the rst time after
corresponding through e-mail. It was an awful
conversation anyway, but then her cell phone rang.
Without so much as an ‘excuse me,’ she answered it. I
promptly got up and left. Perhaps an overreaction, but it
did get me out of there. So if you’re giving advice, ‘Turn
o your cell phone’ works for me.”
First Date Small Talk
• It’s great to see you again. I’m so glad you were
able to ______ with me tonight.
• So tell me a little bit about yourself: who was your
best friend growing up, how do you celebrate your
favorite holiday, what do you eat for lunch?
• Did you go away to college?
• Where does your family live?
• I have five brothers and six sisters. How about you,
do you have any siblings?
• What brought you to this city?
• Do you have any pets? Hobbies? Favorite activities
during this season of the year?
Careful what you say. This admonition comes from
Patty, who shares this story: “My boyfriend, Rob, went
out on a double date (prior to meeting me, of course)
that was arranged with one of the partners at his oce.
His blind date was a friend of the partner’s wife, and
they were trying to set Rob up with her. On the date, the
four of them watched a young lady walk by. She had a
large, visible tattoo. Rob commented to his three
tablemates, ‘I don’t understand why any young woman
would get a tattoo. Don’t they know that it’s a huge
turno?’ Sure enough, his date, who was lovely in every
other way, had a tattoo.”
“She was interested … but he was chicken …“
Save your demands for later in the relationship. Jim
reveals his frustration in the telling of this tale: “A
‘friend’ xed me up, a term I have learned to loathe, with
a psychologist from Manhattan who specializes in
working with sexually abused women and children. I
like smart women, so I (foolishly) said yes. I met Sarah at
a wonderful restaurant in San Francisco. After we sat
down, her rst question was ‘Have you had an AIDS
test?’ (I was immediately reminded of a woman friend
who suggested, at the time of my divorce, that I have an
AIDS test, which would make me more ‘marketable.’) I
always try to nd humor in a moment of adversity, so I
suggested to Sarah that we order a drink rst, then I’d ll
out the questionnaire. Sarah was not amused. ‘Look,’ she
insisted, ‘it’s the twenty-rst century, and I’m not going
to fool around with some guy who doesn’t know where
it’s been!’ Things went downhill from there. I went into
my ‘I’ll seem smart by shutting up’ mode and just
listened for an hour to reports of spousal abuse, lover
abuse, child abuse, shrink abuse, deadbeat everything. I
shook Sarah’s hand as we left the restaurant and said,
‘Ahhhh, errrr, it’s been … unique.’ Amazingly, Sarah
called me the next day and told me what a wonderful
time she had—and … could we see each other again?”
Try some sensitivity before you blurt out opinions.
My sister Terri, the political science professor, shared
this story, complete with a getaway technique. “I once
had a date with a guy who was very opinionated. He
assumed, though he never asked, that I felt just as he did
about politics, religion, et cetera. So he went on at length
on his Rush Limbaugh tangent, insulting everyone on
the opposite side of each issue (me included) until nally
he asked what I thought. I said, ‘I disagree with every
single opinion you’ve expressed.’ How’s that for an exit
line?”
THRIVING IN THE SINGLES
SCENE
Feeling comfortable and condent in conversation is the best
way to not only survive but to thrive being single. Knowing
how to “chat” helps you to make new friends and enrich old
friendships. Practice helps, so put yourself out there where
you’re forced to small talk with other singles. Like everything
else you do, the more you practice, the easier it becomes. And
once you’re good at it, it’s even fun. Don’t be afraid of looking
dumb or saying the wrong thing. Laughing at yourself is the
best way to develop a sense of humor (if you don’t already have
one) and, at the same time, make people feel less threatened by
you. Every conversation is an opportunity to connect. We
dismiss people because they are not our type or don’t
participate in certain activities because there will not be a lot of
members of the opposite sex in attendance. It was my
wonderful friend Karen Thomas who announced at our book
club meeting twelve years ago that she had someone in mind
for me to meet. And thanks to her thoughtfulness and
generosity of spirit, I was introduced to her periodontist, my
husband, Steve. Ask to be xed up. Don’t hesitate to ask friends
to keep you in mind. And never dismiss someone because they
are not your type. This person could become your friend and
introduce you to your future partner.
14
FEEL-GOOD FACTOR
People part with their money for two reasons: to solve a
problem and to attain good feelings. Look at it this way. It’s hard
to quickly evaluate the expertise of a new dentist. But you
immediately know which one makes you feel more
comfortable. You can take lessons from a highly qualied ski
instructor. But if his silence makes you feel awkward while
riding the chairlift together, you’ll switch instructors. When
Wal-Mart and Target carry the same items at about the same
prices and they’re located close together, where do you buy? You
choose the store where the returns are simpler, the people are
friendlier, and the appearance is cleaner—where you are made
to feel more welcome.
The feel-good factor underlies every aspect of life. Even in
the area of parent-teacher conferences, if your child’s teacher
delivers negative feedback in a way that shows empathy, not
harshness, you’re more likely to support the next vote to
increase taxes that go toward schools.
In a front-page story, USA Today reported that legendary
basketball star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar hired a public-relations
professional to help him get job interviews for coaching
positions. Apparently, he’s perceived as so aloof, he can’t get
high schools, colleges, or the pros to talk to him. Similarly, in
the corporate world, if you want a promotion but come across
as aloof or reserved, you’ll be overlooked in favor of someone
who has warm “people skills”—skills that make others feel good
about being around them.
Here’s how to build rapport that leads to success in every
business relationship.
• Use small talk as a picture frame around business
conversations. Begin and end with small talk when
making a presentation to a client, selling a widget,
negotiating a contract, providing a service, or
conferencing with your child’s teacher. A study conducted
with physicians showed those who spend a few minutes
asking patients about their family, their work, or summer
plans before and/or after an examination are less likely to
be sued than those who don’t. Let’s face it. People don’t sue
people they care about. And we care about people who
show they care about us.
• Express empathy. Everyone is entitled to be listened to,
even when in the wrong. Consider the client who sees the
stock market rise 30 percent but not his own portfolio.
The stockbroker knows the client insisted on picking the
stocks himself, but it would be a mistake to make the
client “wrong.” It’s better to say, I realize it’s frustrating to
experience this. What can we do from here? That goes a long
way to defusing negative emotions and helping the client
feel better about this relationship—rather than tempted to
move on to another stockbroker.
• Greet people warmly, make eye contact, and smile. Be
the rst to say hello. Be careful, you might be viewed as a
snob if you are not the rst to say hello. People often go
back to their favorite restaurants because the host greets
them with a sincere smile, looks at them directly, and
welcomes them with warmth. My husband and I go to our
favorite restaurant—and bring our friends there, too—
because the wait sta, the host/hostess, and even the
owner take the time to make us feel extra special.
• Use the person’s name in conversation. You are more
likely to get special treatment by using the person’s name.
When you call to clarify a credit card billing, for example,
say: Joe, thanks for taking the time to help me with this
question. That makes Joe feel his role is important. If you
don’t know someone’s name, take a moment to ask, and
then repeat it. Be sure to pronounce it correctly. And never
presume your conversation partner has a nickname. My
name is Debra, not Debbie. I don’t feel good when people
call me Debbie. It’s a little thing that has big importance.
• Show an interest in others. In response to our high-tech
environment of e-mail and fax broadcasts, we need “high
touch” more than ever. That’s what you create when you
show an interest in the lives of your
customers/clients/patients every chance you get.
• Dig deeper. When you engage in a conversation, don’t
leave it too quickly. If your customer/client/patient
mentions her vacation, pick up on the cue and dig deeper.
Ask where she went, what she did, what the highlight was,
if she would go back. You’ll make her feel good about her
life and about taking time with you. Always follow up a
question like How’s work? with What’s been going on at
work since the last time we spoke? This way he or she knows
you really want to hear about what is going on with work.
• Be a good listener. That means making eye contact and
responding with verbal cues to show you hear what the
speaker says. Verbal cues include the phrases: Tell me more,
What happened rst?, What happened next?, That must have
been dicult, and so on. Using them makes people feel
actively listened to.
• Stop being an adviser. When you mention a problem
you might be having with an employee or an associate, do
people oer advice without asking any questions? Have
you ever put together a résumé and, as soon as you sent it
out, someone told you it was too long or too short or too
detailed or not detailed enough? Jumping in with
unsolicited advice happens annoyingly often. Instead of
advice, give understanding with simple phrases like I
know you can work out a solution or I hope the job hunt goes
well for you. Oer advice only when you are specically
asked for it.
An example I use in my presentations really makes my point
about the feel-good factor. I wanted to nd a good print shop
near my home and walked into one near the busiest post oce
in our state. I was greeted with a sign that read: LACK OF
PREPARATION ON YOUR PART DOES NOT CONSTITUTE AN EMERGENCY ON MY
PART. I thought, how many people would zip into this shop for a
few photocopies before mailing o an important package? I
doubt they would feel welcome here.
I then visited a printing shop across the street. Two colorful
signs posted there made my day. One featured a cactus and said,
STUCK? WE’LL HELP YOU OUT OF A PRICKLY SITUATION. The other, showing
a pot of jam, read: IN A JAM? WE’LL HELP YOU OUT OF A STICKY SITUATION.
You can guess which printer made me feel better about forming
a business relationship.
Whether you want to land a new job, enhance your practice,
gain listings, increase your billable hours, bring new people into
your business, or make sure people remember you with
referrals—pay attention to the feel-good factor. And enjoy the
success that follows.
15
HOLIDAY PARTY SAVVY
Survive the holidays with grace. Every year we are faced with
the inevitable holiday parties. Many we look forward to, some
we are obligated to attend, and others our spouses drag us to.
Keep these cheat sheets in your breast pocket or favorite
cocktail purse.
Conversation Killers
1. Are you married? or Do you have any kids? Where
are you going with either one of these if the
response is “no”?
2. How’s your job at Boeing, United Airlines, Martha
Stewart Enterprises (fill in the blank)? Unless you
know the person well, assume nothing! Don’t put
them on the spot with those types of questions.
Instead ask, What’s been going on with work?
3. How’s your wife? (She left, took all the money, the
kids, and then got the house!)
4. Merry Christmas! What are your Christmas plans?
Not everyone celebrates Christmas.
5. At all costs avoid Is that real? Are those real?
Top Ten Icebreakers for Holiday Parties
1. “ What is your connection to the host/hostess or
event?”
2. “What do you enjoy the most at this time/season
of the year?”
3. “How does this season of the year affect your
work?”
4. “Bring me up to date about your life/work/family
since the last time we got together.”
5. “Tell me about your plans for the holidays.”
6. “Do you have a favorite holiday tradition?”
7. “What challenges do you encounter at this time of
year?”
8. “Tell me about a special gift you have given or
received.”
9. “What is your favorite holiday? Why?”
10. “What do you have going on during the coming
year?”
16
CARPE DIEM
As we wrap up our conversation on small talk, I am reminded
of the professor in The Wizard of Oz after his wizardry is
discovered to be hocus-pocus. The erstwhile Wizard gives a
provocative monologue when he tells the Lion, the Tin Man,
and the Scarecrow that they already have what it is they’ve been
seeking. All they need to do to be courageous, have a heart, or be
intelligent is to claim their own skills. The Wizard merely
bestows his good wishes formally.
You now have all my trade secrets right here. I have no more
magic than you. You only need to continue practicing the skills,
tips, and techniques demonstrated in this book. So, without
further ado, I ceremoniously honor your newfound skills:
By the power vested in me as a former nerd who
lurked in the corners when she wasn’t avoiding
functions altogether, who has transformed herself into
a longtime successful Small Talker, I do hereby confer
upon you the title of “Small Talker Extraordinaire.” You
are accorded all the rights, privileges, and
responsibilities herewith. Let no party, gathering,
group, or person intimidate you or squelch your
conversational skills.
You are an ocially competent conversationalist. Let go of
any old labels you’ve given yourself that stand in the way of
claiming conversation as one of your strengths. The tips and
tricks enumerated throughout this book are commonsense
solutions to everyday small talking dilemmas. Only one
requirement is essential to achieve small talk excellence:
practice. Over and over again I get conrmation about the value
of small talk skills. I hear about people whose lives have
changed as dramatically as my own. A man in Florida got up the
courage to ask a woman on a date, and now they’re married. A
woman in Ohio got promoted to head up the entire Midwest
region for her company. A gentleman in his fties in Colorado is
building a new life after his wife died prematurely of cancer.
She had always done all the talking for both of them.
Don’t give up if you run into trouble. Calvin Coolidge once
said, “Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence.
Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful
men of talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a
proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated
derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.”
Practice with your family and friends rst, and as you gain
condence, move on to business associates and other people
you regularly see.
Put yourself in social situations more frequently. Accept
invitations. Join a trade organization, a volunteer group, or a
club. At work, volunteer for projects that will allow you to work
with dierent people. Small talk opportunities abound when
you nd yourself with strangers who share a similar passion or
occupation. During the next few weeks and months review the
“Winning at Small Talk” worksheet on the following pages.
I hope you’re truly winning at small talk.
Fake it for a while till it becomes second nature.
If you are diligent about practicing,
You’ll become an expert.
Winning at Small Talk
Please answer “yes” or “no” to the following questions:
1. I have joined or participated in at least one club or
group activity in order to develop new business
friendships or to meet new people.
2. I’m conscious of “taking turns” in most
conversations so that I can learn more about others
and help them get to know me.
3. I have used my contacts to help at least two
people find new jobs, hook up with potential
customers and clients, or go out on a date. I have
provided information for other networking purposes.
4. I have gone to at least two functions where I can
meet people in my profession/industry or who are
potential decision-makers or where I can make new
friends or find romance.
5. If someone is friendly toward me it is easy to be
friendly back. However, I don’t wait to make sure
someone is friendly before I am friendly toward him
or her.
6. When someone asks me, “What’s new?” instead of
saying “Not much,” I often talk about something
exciting in my life.
7. At meetings, parties, job fairs, and such, I introduce
myself to people I don’t know and come away
knowing the names of at least three people.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
The need for additional funds drew my eye to a notice seeking a
facilitator for a workshop on small talk at Colorado Free
University, an enduring institution of lifelong learning. No, it is
not really “free.” The cost to attend is low and the pay for
teachers is minimal. Without any experience and no formal
knowledge of my subject, I was hired. I gained a great education.
Attendees completed evaluations at the end of each workshop.
These nuggets of information and critiques gave me gifts that
keep on giving. These adult students from all walks of life
described the skills and prociencies they wished to learn and
what they did not need or want to learn. They also taught me
how they wanted to learn. Thousands of executives, salespeople,
lawyers, engineers, bankers, and entry-level college grads
passed through my classes at Colorado Free University and
ultimately led me to the audiences I am in front of today.
Students of conversation helped me develop The Fine Art of
Small Talk, and for that I am thankful. I also appreciate our
quest for lifelong learning.
Copyright
Copyright © 2005 Debra Fine
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or
reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the written
permission of the Publisher. For information address Hyperion,
77 West 66th Street, New York, New York 10023-6298.
ISBN: 9781401383510
FIRST EBOOK EDITION: OCTOBER 2005
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